May 31, 2005

Happy

I picked up my bus pass at APLA. I picked up my mail at the post office. I stopped by WEHO Police station. He said I was at the wrong one. I need to go to Wilcox/Sunset. I dropped by Best Buy for Diablo 2 and other things.

This Past Week

Silly Disco on KBIG!!

This morning, I wanted to file the police report against the hit man, John Smith. I printed out copies of both emails. I added a letter with it too. I woke up after 10. I was still too tired to do anything. My body need more rest. So, I just stayed home and do nothing except play the computer game, Diablo 2. For sure, I will go to the police on Monday.

This past two weeks, I played Diablo 2 every single day. I forgot how to play! I haven't played in a few months. The sad thing is all my characters was gone. If we don't play the game after 90 days, they will delete the characters you created. My favourite is the Sorcess. Magic is my thing!

Oh yeah! I shaved off my hair and the beard. I was clean shaven all over my face. I will do my best to remain BALD. I looked good with it. My head is made for it. I did it few times in the past, but it was only a day or two!

Tuesday morning, I started to play Diablo 2. I didn't went to sleep til the very next night. I played over 36 hours straight with a few breaks!

Diablo 2

Happy

All day long......(can u believe that?)....I played Diablo 2. I loved that game very much.

Deadly Serious

Happy

This is REAL LIFE!

I just reported a crime yesterday. I forwarded A EMAIL from this guy, John Smith, to the local police.

John wants money to kill Steve Carey.

Few days ago, out of the blue, I got a email. He mentioned that he was a professional HIT MAN.

He assumed I wanted a hit man. Really, I didn't seek out for a hit man.

John said he contacted me through A WEB SITE. I have no ideal what web site he was talking about.

I never ever heard of the web site.

I just hoped the police get in contact with me soon.

I don't want to get in trouble for something I didn't do.

He wanted my phone number, but I didn't give him mine.

Detective John Smith

Mischievous

Last night, I got another email from Detective John Smith. I also enclosed an old pic of Steve Carey. I sent him an email this morning.

In a message dated 5/19/2005 3:39:32 P.M. Pacific Standard Time, requiemthirteen@yahoo.com writes:

Mr. Falcon, There are several people named "Steve Carey" in the Greater Los Angeles area.

You are a great detective. You found me before; You came to me through a web site. You have good resources. I didn't seek out to hire a hit man.

You will have to provide additional information. An address, a license plate, a phone number, a date of birth - something to identify the specific person.

I enclosed a pic, the last known pic of Steve. He is quite a chameleon; he changed his looks often. It will be hard to describe him. The rest is up to you. You need to get the 411 yourself. After all, you are a detective with good resources.

I am not an ameteur. If you want me to do work for you, I require the terms of payment to be set before I begin.

There is no further need to discuss anything. You know what you have to do. I won't go to prison for something I didn't do. my hands will be clean. A while back, I tried to kill this girl before and I got away with it. I won't go down for that attempted murder either, just like the hit man. This time, things will be different. I won't be any part of a hit man or anything else.

Give me a number where I can reach you to make arrangements.

I don't give out my number. I don't want the police to trace back the number to me. The email is just fine. Don't get in touch with me till Steve is gone from my life for once and for all. In closing, I really want no part of the hit man mess. Still, I want to kill the haunting past of Steve Carey.

At your service, Smith

Finally!

Happy

I thought about going somewhere today. I wanted to take some pics on Melrose Ave. I haven't did that street yet. I did City Walk, Hollywood and Sunset few months ago. I mostly take interesting areas for pictures.

I realized I still have to pay the water and power bill. It was due pretty soon. I worked on the web site for a little time. I added more pics on the site. I noticed I have some email. I hardly check my mail that often. You know too much spam.

One email got my attention big time - "Deadly Serious." I pondered what it was about. The curiosity got the best of me. I opened up the email from John Smith.

"Kazz Falcon, I saw a web page that said you were looking to hire a professional in the Los Angeles area. I can do the work you want done. We will need to negotiate the terms. At your service, Smith"

I don't know how to respond to the email. I have no ideal at all. No one hardly gets in contact with me about the hit man. I need to think about what I was going to say. I made up my mind. I have to go out to today. It was such a lovely day; the sun was out and the birds was singing.

I set up the VCR for the soaps. We all know I don't want to miss my soaps, mostly One Life to Live. The Police Officer was almost ready to arrest the killer of Paul and Jennifer. They still need to get more evidence. They were so close to arrest "Teddy." I caught the bus and pondered about the email. Hmm, what will I say? I can't get in trouble for something I wanted few months ago.

I thought about getting off on Sunset/Vermont. I still to put some money in the account. It came to me that there was a bank on Sunset/Vine. There was no sense of getting off at Vermount. Sometimes, I forget about the Vine one. Then again, a fire destroyed that bank last year. I stayed on the bus till the water/power company. I paid $25 for the bill. It gave me some credit. The bill was $22.12. I put the check in the account. I got some money out for the rent. Most times, I get a money order early for the rent each month. I don't want to wait till the first. It was getting hot. I caught the bus.

I went to Lucy's for the money order, then I got shrimp fried rice. I filled out the money order. My order was ready. I went home to eat. I made it on time for Bold & Beautiful. Stephanie and Ridge talked about Taylor. Taylor returned fromthe dead few weeks ago. Taylor thanked Bridget for helping out after she died from a heart attack. Brooke come home from work. Taylor and Brooke talked about a new house. Both think the other one should move out. You know it won't happen that way. They won't move out of "their home."

I response to John Smith's email. I mentioned it earlier in this entry.

In a message dated 5/19/2005 8:52:00 A.M. Pacific Standard Time, requiemthirteen@yahoo.com writes:

Kazz Falcon, I saw a web page that said you were looking to hire a professional in the Los Angeles area. I can do the work you want done. We will need to negotiate the terms. At your service, Smith RequiemThirteen@Yahoo.com

We don't need to negotiate the terms. After all, you read the web site about the hit man for hire.

I am still looking for an hit man in LOS ANGELES. I want the hit man to kill Steve Carey. A $2,000 reward will be given AFTER the death of Steve. I am DEADLY serious about the hit man.

Please do your job, PO Smith. I know I won't be disappoint - you are very good at your job. Thanx for getting in contact with me.

LA's New Major

We have new major, Antonio Villaraigosa, the first latino major since 1872 (???). He won't forget where he come from. If his mother was there, she will say to him "Don't declare your victory, declare your purpose!" That is a powerful saying!

I am glad he won.

GET OUT!!

Mischievous Madonna - Express Yourself

I have to get out like now, right now, at this moment in time, like now!

I have been coup up in my place for a week, working on the web sites. I was bored and tired of staying in. I need to get out more. Yet, I was wasting time, not on the web sites, of course! I put graphic arts on the sites. Now, they looked much better.

This past month, my average day have been like this....

Woke up. Eat. Read TV Guide online. Do something on the web. Watched TV (I Love Lucy, The View, News 7, Young& Restless, All My Children, One Life To Live, Cosby Show, The Parkers, News 7, King of The Hill, The Simpsons, Malcolm In The Middle, The Simpsons, then the network lineups.)

I supposed to look for a place to volunteer. I finished school about two months ago. Yet, so soon, I finished school, I quickly fell into BAD HABITS of nothing! I thought I will look every day, but I ended up in the hospital for a week. Since then, I mostly stayed home, doing nothing. What an interesting life I have! NOT!

Last year, I told my teacher I wanted to make something out of my life. That's why I went back to class. I wanted to do something with life. Who wants to stay home all the time? That wasn't a life at all. I guessed someone have to push me to get me going in the morning. Now, I was wasting my time in front of the damn computer every day.

Don't get me wrong. The computer is very useful. I was a artist too. I have to look things up for my art. I can't live without the computer. It is a huge part of my life. I sent some emails out to some places in LA. Glaad was interested in me to do some volunteer. He set me on a date to meet, but I checked my email few days late. I haven't send him another email. Since then, I absolutely doing nothing. It was really driving me CRAZY!!

Mike Crouch

Mike finally came over this evening; he didn't want to go out in the sun. We had some troubles. Really, he got under my skin like he did this evening. He still talks when I watches TV; he won't shut up at all. He forgot to call me. I was surprised to see him at the door. Yesterday, I told him on the phone at Brian's about the new rules of my apartments. No one can climb over the fense; it will be consider trespassing.

I opened the door. it was Mike. I wondered how he got in. I don't want to get in trouble. I thougth he climbed over the fence. He explained the gate was opened. He let himself in.

Day With Brian

Happy

This morning, I made some phone calls to some friends - Brian/Peter, Mike and another Mike. None of them was home. I figured I could spend the day with them. I was coup up in my place this past few days, working on Spirit Alien web site. I put some art on each page. It looks good. I wanted to get out on this beautiful hot day.

I went to the post office in West Hollywood for my mail. The future Dark Vadar was on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. He looked scarey. I called Mike at the bus stop. Even him wasn't home. I took the long ass Bus 4 home. I was in no hurry to get home. I got home after Noon. Get it? Afternoon! LOL

Any way, Brian called me back. They went to breakfast and some errands to do. He thought about going to his mom's today. I convinced him to come over. I haven't seen him in a while. Peter couldn't come other. He spent some time with his friend from out of town. He haven't seen him since high school.

I worked on the web site more till Brian got to my place. I let him in. My black neighbor mentioned that there was a residence meeting few days ago. We got new rules. We need to open the gate for our friends; we need to walk them out too. Also, no one can climb over the fence; it considered to be transpassing. They will call the police too. Well, I won't go out to let my friends in. That's why we have a buzzer. They buzz the number; we let them in. My friend, Mike, climbs over the fence. I was always online.

Brian and I debated about where we eat. I brought up chinese food. He wanted something he haven't had in a while. We settled on Sizzler. I showed him my art designs. He was impressed. I made one each for Brian and Peter with their names. We made it on time for the bus. We waited about a minute. the bus dropped us. We walked to the bus stop. I tripped; parts of the red curb wasn't there. that was some trip! LOL. it was a lawsuit waiting to happen. the bus took us to Sizzler. We had the same thing, 6 oz steak. I had fries; he had the baked potato.

Brian was so happy at his job; he likes working there. One time, he missed the bus connection. He called a taxi cab; he made it on time. another time, the bus broke down. He walked over 69 minutes to work. He told the workers that his transportation was out of whacked. You know, lies! Really, we need to lie sometimes. If they knew he didn't have a car, they wouldn't hire him in the first place. he doesn't want to give up his job for anything.

I told him what happen with Miguel; he wants no part of me because of the letter about the attempted murder. I haven't hear from him in a week. I guessed he 's staying clear from me. I doubts that will last. He will call me back. He won't stay mad at me for long. We discussedthe attempted murder for a while. I don't think the police would ever arrest me. There is no evidence except my confession.

We ate our steaks. We pondered about Costco. I wanted to go, but Best Buy was more interesting. His membership wasn't good any more. We could go in, but we can't buy nothing. We both like Costco, but it was a waste of money. We need a car to shop. The bus wouldn't do us any good. We was heading to Best Buy. We walked up the steps. I realized I forgot something. I rushed back to get it. I hoped it was there. I ran to the table. Yes, i found it! I couldn't live without it. I really need it every day.

Mike returned my phone call. I made it short. Mike mentioned that he swtched hours with a guy. His Saturdays wasn't free. Brian looked at some printers. He may get one soon. I looked at the CD Rom games. Peter needs a game to play. I picked Daiblo 2. Peter can have my old one. I went back to the printers. Brian noticed I was bored. I claimed I wasn't. I was! I explained I need to look at a zip drive. for some reason, my zip drive wasn't working right. I can get my stuff from the disk. Brian shows me something better than a zip drive. I forgot the name of it. We can store more things on it. The zip drive is going away.

I brought Diablo 2. We waited for the bus. We went to his place. He searched for Systemworks for his computer. It was $10 more at Best Buy. He downloaded it on the computer. We watched As The Goes By. Then, I taught him how to play Warcraft 2. He enjoyed the game very much. Even Peter will like it too. I realized it was 11 PM. Damn, it was time for home. I haven't been out this late in a long time. I caught the bus. I made it on time; I didn't miss the deadline for this entry. I was hungry. I didn't ate supper. Sizzler filled me. I checked the emails. I was too tired. I went to bed.

Gaysville

This past week, I have been updating Gaysville, a gay soap. Things are coming along nicely.

But, I have no ideal of when I will write new chapters. I forgotten what I wrote. This weekend, I may go through the chapters to see where I am.

It have been over five years I did the chapters.

More on Gaysville later.

Confession

Happy David Byrne - Like Humans Do

Two weeks ago, I confessed to Miguel and Michael in a letter that I tried to kill this girl. So far, The police have NOT show up on the doorstep. By now, I thought they would call the police on my ass.

Besides, the FBI are investigating me for the attempted murder. The FBI agent, Robert Hawk, sent me an email about a month ago. Maybe, they don't have enough evidence to put me behind bars.

Oh well, I just got away with attempted murder. I continued to be a free man. Who ever thought that the police wouldn't arrest me?

At least, I confessed. The confession was good for the soul. I felt less guilty. I won't have to carry the guilt around any more.

Amazing Race

Uchenna & Joyce, the black couple, are the winners of the Amazing Race.

I just finished watching it; it was truly truly amazing episode. Even the final minutes was pretty awesome. Uchenna & Joyce didn't had enough money to pay the taxi at the finish line; they begged about everyone for money. Rob & Amber were on the way to the finish line. They were still few dollars short for the taxi driver; the taxi driver was kind enough to let them to cross the finish line for a million buck.

I cried big time. The Amazing Race gets better each time. Earlier in the day, I mentioned to a friend that I want the black couple to win. I figured Rob and Amber will win the money instead. Boy, I was wrong about Rob & Amber. I was glad that Uchenna & Joyce won the race. They want to use the money to get preggie. They tried for the longest time, unsuccessful. With the million dollars, they INCREASED their chances for a baby.

Freeway Killer

By Kazz Falcon

The freeway became my new sport
I take aim at people with a gun
I drove up and down the freeway
I looked for victims
They became my easy prey
They least expected the shooting
Even the police had a hard time
I drove different cars each time
I killed so many lately
It thrills me that I got away
It was quite an accomplishment
I never thought it lasts this long
The police haven’t been able to find me
I know the freeway inside and out
I can escape with no troubles at all
So far, nobody follow me
They won’t dare either
I will shoot them from the car
I will continue to be the freeway killer

Eric Braeden's Comment

Sad

Entertainment Weekly (May 13, 2005. Issue #819) has a small piece about the LEGENCY of William J Bell on page 28. there is a picture of Bobby and Britney at the bottom left corner.

Eric Braeden's (Victor Newman) statement caught my attention.

"He anchored stories in reality better than anybody."

That sums up my poetry too. I am William J Bell of poetry!

May 7, Saturday

This morning, i went to the post office in West Hollywood for my mail and sent off the post card to Michael & Miguel. I haven't talk to Miguel in a few days. He probably still mad at me. He haven't call me. LOL. I will wait till a few days til the smoke clears. Hopefully, the post card will make them UNDERSTAND about the letter.

I called Mike from the bus stop, "be there in 10 minutes." I got off at La Cienega and walked the rest of the way. I called out for Mike's name. went to the door. Mike let me in. The dog jumped all over me; he was quite happy to see me. Mike went back putting the plaster by the carpet. I grabbed a orange soda. We talked for a little while.

HE showed me his new pictures in his bedroom. He is really into the pictures. He is talented. A few pictures didn't turned out that well. No bigger thou. All photographers faces the same thing, even me! He took a shower as I checked my email on my AOL screen names. Mike got dressed. I showed him my pictures on YAHOO. He was impressed.

We took out the dog for a little while. I noticed the flowers in front of Mike's building. I took some pictures. I loved taking pics of flowers. I had a bunch of them! We went back in the apartment. Mike gave the dog some treats. We got in his new car. I loved the new car. Mike got a good deal on the used car.

We drove down Santa Monica Blvd. I saw an A Current Affair ad on the billboard on the left by the 101 Hollywood freeway. I said, "Some day, I will be on the show!" I always wanted to be on that show since Maury Povich hosted the program in the late 80's. Yes, I am a huge fan. For some reason, the new host, Tim Green, is not working for me. I don't see him as the host. He does a great job thou. I guessed I was used to having Maury Povich on A Current Affair.

We went driving on Route 66 to take pics. We also stopped by two train shops. Along the way, we ate at the wiener place for lunch. Then, we contunied on Route 66. I noticed a burned brick house on the rihgt side. We both were intrigue by that house. it was perfect for some pictures. We couldn't go in the house. It had a notice. There was no windows at all. It was badly burned. Mike looked around and noticed another building. We moved the car in the parking lot next door. He tried to take pics of the other house. I just stayed in the car.

Mike didn't have much success. There wasn't a away in to the other house. We drove off; Mike turned the car around and back to the house again! Mike finally found a way. He went through the side way. I used the restroom behind the house! LOL. I took more pics at the back of the house. Mike came back; he wondered what this place was before. The house must have a story. It got to! I noticed the house have two bomb shelters below the ground. Man, they were ready for the bombs!

We drove further down the road. We saw some brick houses by the freeway. The house got us curious. I took a pic from the car. Mike got out to take the pics. I stayed in the car. I didn't want to get out at all. He just parked in the busy street. He was impressed by the houses. We traveled again. We were fasinated by the brick building at the corner of the street. We parked in the driveway and took pics. We wondered what the building was.

Then we went back to LA. Mike dropped me off and went home; he was tired to see my new furniture. I brought the stuff at IKEA in Burbank! I loved my furniture. It was my FIRST TIME to buy any. I always get hand me downs! You can do so much with SSI! Yes, I am poor white trash! I download the pics on the computer. I sent Mike some pics. I updated my web sites. I did that in the morning too. I watched Saturday Night Live with Paula Abdul; she was in a funny sketchabout you know who (Corey Clark) and the other contestants. Tonight's SNL was funny. Then I went to bed. Good night!

The Post Card

Happy

Michael Gilbert & Miguel Garcia,

The letter was NOT a mean joke. The FBI Agent, Robert Hawk, sent me a email. He wanted me to call him about the attempted murder. I refused to call him.

I'm deadly serious about the attempted murder & Robert's email. I still have the email he sent me. I won't go to prison - I'm innocense until proven guilty.

Robert's number is 216 622 6611 or 216 522 1400.

Homeless Scorecard

Happy

Homeless Scorecard

1. Fort Worth – I was depressed and ended up in the street for a while to get the feel of the streets. I didn’t tell anyone I ran away from home.

2. Houston – I was depressed. I wasn’t happy living with Granny. I didn’t tell anyone I ran away from home. I was homeless less than a week.

3. Dallas – I made a decision to run away again. This time, I ended up in Dallas. Of course, I didn’t tell anyone. I want my family NOT to look for me. I was homeless for a few months. I made a life there with the help of Kevin Nichols, Collette Shumate, Gary Gonzales and the gay church, Grace Fellowship in Christ Jesus.

4. Dallas again – I wasn’t happy in FW and went back to Dallas. My family didn’t know where I went. I was homeless for a short while till Nick, another homeless guy, and me got an apartment. I wasn’t happy living with Nick and his ABUSIVE boyfriend.

5. Los Angeles – I was depressed in Oak Cliff; Collette noticed I wasn’t happy with my life. I ran away for parts unknown in LA. No one knew where I was. I didn’t know anyone. I was homeless for two years till I got a place at Gower.

6. New Orleans – I got depressed and ran away from home. I lost my Gower apartment.
New York – I took the bus to Atlanta, Georgia. I was homeless for a few days then I left for New York City. The homeless life was much harder. I couldn’t take it after a few days. I went back to LA.

7. Los Angeles – I ended back at The Foundation House in West Hollywood for a few months. Someone sent a "dead"letter to Linda Harris. Linda mentioned to my family that I died from AIDS. My family looked for me and found me at the homeless shelter. Robin persuaded me to go home. I was there for two months. I was depressed and moved back to LA.

8. San Francisco – Miguel was driving drunk; he lost the car, his job and his apartment. Miguel mentioned that I must make plans for a place to live. I was depressed that I was homeless again, thanks to Miguel. Out of the blue on New Year’s Eve 2001, Richard offered me to go with him to San Diego for a week. I persuaded Richard that San Francisco is more fun. I loved SanFran so much that I decided to be homeless. I didn’t want to rebuild my life in LA for a third time. Once again, the homeless life was very hard that I left after a week.

9. Los Angeles – I ended up at PATH for six months. I moved in with Miguel for a while till I got my place on Waterloo. Miguel was pretty upset that I left him. Hey, I can’t trust him. Living on my own was smart move on my part.

Time Flies

By Kazz Falcon

I was 35 year old
The year was 2005
The month was May
Today’s date was the 6th
The time was 1:25 PM
I wondered where time went
I still couldn’t believe it
We were halfway through the decade of 2000
I remembered time was quite slow in my youth
I couldn’t wait to be an adult
I wanted to catch up with the time
Now, time flies up me by
Time disappeared into tomorrow
Where I can’t get that time back
I can’t lose wasted time
I need to use time wisely
Time was too valuable to waste
I wished I could stop time
Or slow time for a little bit
There was one thing I know
I can’t let time slips through my fingers
Because time flies

Freeway Shootings

By Kazz Falcon

I was driving down the freeway in LA
I was on my way home from work
This guy pulled up beside me
I couldn’t see his face
His windows was shaded
He was honking at me
I figured he wanted to get in front of me
I pulled back some
He had some room to get in the same lane
He honked more
I honked back to signal him
He honked once more
I looked over my right shoulder
I moved over to the next lane
He can have my previous lane
I don’t want to deal with that crazy driver
I continued on driving
Further down the freeway, he got behind me
I still couldn’t see his face
He slightly bumped into me
I was frustrated with him
I moved over to the next lane
Once again, he pulled beside me
His window was down
I noticed he had a mask on
That struck me odd
He pulled out a gun
He shot at me a few times
I lost conscious and crashed into a tree
I became a victim of the freeway shootings

Falsely Accused

By Kazz Falcon

I was dripping
I checked it out at the doctors
He mentioned it was STD
He treated me with antibodies
I wondered how I got gonorrhea
I got angry
It must be my lover
He sleep around sometimes
I confronted my lover
He denied it
I claimed we wouldn’t have sex ever again
I don’t trust him any more
I had it up here with his lies
I went to the doctors a week later
Strangely happened, it wasn’t STD after all
He didn’t know what it was
He made a mistake like me
I felt bad about my lover
He was falsely accused

Miguel

Mischievous

Miguel called me couple of times from his brother's place today. I didn't even want to answer the phone. I let the answer machine to pick up. I checked my messages at night.

"Hello, Kazz. Are you there? Hello. Miguel. I just want to tell you I am really upset for what you did to Michael. You send that ugly joke. It was bad. I am not happy at all. He got upset. Call me at Marcelia. Please. Bye."

the letter was not a FREAKING JOKE! Michael and Miguel need to get over themselves!

It really did happened a while back.

Hello! How come Robert Hawk, FBI agent, sent me an email last month? Hmm, because The FBI are investigating me. I still have the email that Robert sent me!

Besides, Miguel wanted to "lie" about me. So, the letter was a perfect opportunity to set the record straight with Michael. After all, I wanted to confirm Saturday evening with Miguel.

Curious In California

"Kazzanova,What is this letter all about, April 30th? Where did this incident happen and aren't you afraid that Miguel will give you away? I must know. I have your secret photos of you know who. What next?" - Curious in California

hello, darling!
i am working on it now................
and, no, i am not afraid that Miguel or Michael would call the police. i am expecting the police to show up. Laters


Side Note: I added the secret picture to this entry. Miguel has

Defense

By Kazz Falcon

Sunday, May 1, 2005 - Last night, Miguel called me. He mentioned that Michael was angry at him. He cooked for them and Miguel wasn't even home for supper. Miguel cooked for me! Me bad!

Miguel mentioned to Mike that he was there for me because I was crying about some personal problem. In other words, Miguel flat out LIED to Mike.
Wait till Mike get a hell raising letter about Miguel. Even Miguel will be shock by the revelation!

Hey, I want to help Miguel! LOL

Why not? I am such a nice guy! I don't want Miguel to get in trouble with Mike. I want to CONFIRM the truth to Mike in the letter.


Tuesday, May 3, 2005 - 10:10 PM - Miguel called me about the letter; Michael was pretty upset. He wanted to know why I sent it to Michael. I claimed I was on the other line and can't talk at the moment. I told him I would call him back. Miguel said, "No!" I said, "Call me in 30 minutes." I hung up the phone.

Man, the post office was quick. I mailed it yesterday and Michael got it today. Then again, it was in the same zip code, 90069.

Hmm, what will happen next? I assumed Michael would call the police. Well, I won't talk to them. I will plead the fifth!


Depression

Depression – Most feelings of depression are a reaction to an unhappy event. Depression can also appear as irritability, anger, and discouragement rather than feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.

Distorted thought patterns, characterized by feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, and hopelessness are part of the "cognitive triad of depression," and can be a risk factor for depression.

It appears that a tendency toward depression is often genetic, but that stressful life circumstances usually play a major role in bringing on depressive episodes. Problems with depression usually begin in adolescence, and are about twice as common in women as in men.
Noticeably disturbed thought processes, poor communication and socialization, and sensory dysfunction indicate moderate depression.

People with severe depression are withdrawn, indifferent toward their surroundings, and may show signs of delusional thinking and limited physical activity.


The Major Events

1. Loss of a friend or relative

I lost my father in 1973 in a truck accident. Pops was making a left turn and, somehow, hit a telephone pole. The pole landed on the truck and crushed him to death.

2. The attempted murder

A while back, I got into a huge fight with this girl. I was very angry with her. I chased her with a knife. I wanted to kill her. The girl called out for help. Her mother showed up. She told her mother what happened. The mother confronted me, but I DENIED everything. I lied to get out of the mess I created.

3. Suicide thoughts throughout the years.

The first time – I was depressed in high school in 1987/88. I left a suicide note for my friends in class. They told the teacher; my mother showed up in school. The counselor sent to a shrink. I saw the shrink. I told him about my feelings. He didn’t believe me; he thought I was trying to get some attention.

Since then, I know the shrinks are a waste of time and money. They don’t want to help you.

4. Homeless – I was homeless so many times that I tend to run away from life and problems.


The homeless scorecard

A. Fort Worth – I was depressed and ended up in the street for a while to get the feel of the streets. I didn’t tell anyone I ran away from home.

B. Houston – I was depressed. I wasn’t happy living with Granny. I didn’t tell anyone I ran away from home. I was homeless less than a week.

C. Dallas – I made a decisionto run away again. This time, I ended up in Dallas. Of course, I didn’t tell anyone. I want my family NOT to look for me. I was homeless for a few months. I made a life there with the help of Kevin Nichols, Collette Shumate, Gary Gonzales and the gay church, Grace Fellowship in Christ Jesus.

D. Dallas again – I wasn’t happy in FW and went back to Dallas. My family didn’t know where I went. I was homeless for a short while till Nick, another homeless guy, and me got an apartment. I wasn’t happy living with Nick and his ABUSIVE boyfriend.

E. Los Angeles – I was depressed in Oak Cliff; Collette noticed I wasn’t happy with my life. I ran away for parts unknown in LA. No one knew where I was. I didn’t know anyone. I was homeless for two years till I got a place at Gower.

F. New Orleans – I got depressed and ran away from home. I lost my Gower apartment.

G. New York – I took the bus to Atlanta, Georgia. I was homeless for a few days then I left for New York City. The homeless life was much harder. I couldn’t take it after a few days. I went back to LA.

H. Los Angeles – I ended back at The Foundation House in West Hollywood for a few months. Someone sent a "dead" letter to Linda Harris. Linda mentioned to my family that I died from AIDS. My family looked for me and found me at the homeless shelter. Robin persuaded me to go home. I was there for two months. I was depressed and moved back to LA.

I. San Francisco – Miguel was driving drunk; he lost the car, his job and his apartment. Miguel mentioned that I must make plans for a place to live. I was depressed that I was homeless again, thanks to Miguel. Out of the blue on New Year’s Eve 2001, Richard offered me to go with him to San Diego for a week. I persuaded Richard that San Francisco is more fun. I loved SanFran so much that I decided to be homeless. I didn’t want to rebuild my life in LA for a third time.Once again, the homeless life was very hard that I left after a week.

J. Los Angeles – I ended up at PATH for six months. I moved in with Miguel for a while till I got my place on Waterloo. Miguel was pretty upset that I left him. Hey, I can’t trust him. Living on my own was smart move on my part.


5. Missing person report two times.

A. Collette filled out a missing person report in Dallas. I was missing a few days in 1992.

B. Tom Mitchell and Sean Davidson filled out a missing person report in LA in 1998. I was missing for a few days. Tom thought that someone was responsible for my disappearance; my place was in shambles.


6. Sober living – I lived in a sober living house in Long Beach AND Los Angeles to get off the damn streets in 1999.


7. I smoked when I am depressed.


8. Hit Man 4 Hire – I posted an ad on Craig’s List in January 2005. Two months later,the police traced the ad back to my computer. The police showed up and knew I wanted to kill Steve. I was in the hospital for a week in March 2005.

In closing, Robert Hawk, FBI special agent, sent me an email; he wanted to talk on the phone, but I refused to talk to him. I know in my heart that I would get in trouble for the attempted murder.

April 30, 2005, Saturday – I “revealed” the truth of the “attempted murder” to Miguel Garcia. I told Miguel about Robert. Later, Miguel called me, “Michael was mad at me for not being there for supper. I told him that he was there for my time in need.”

I felt bad about Miguel. It was basically “my fault” that Michael was pist off at Miguel. So, I wanted to confirm “the truth” to Michael Gilbert in a letter.

The Letter

Happy

10:10 PM - Miguel called me about the letter; Michael was pretty upset. He wanted to know why I sent it to Michael. I claimed I was on the other line and can't talk at the moment. I told him I would call him back. Miguel said, "No!" I said, "Call me in 30 minutes." I hung up the phone.

Man, the post office was quick. I mailed it yesterday and Michael got it today. Then again, it was in the same zip code, 90069.

Hmm, what will happen next? I assumed Michael would call the police. Well, I won't talk to them. I will plead the fifth!

$300 Big Favor

Happy

This evening at 7:30, Miguel called me for a BIG FAVOR! He wanted to borrow $300 to give to Richard, his longtime friend. Richard will go on vacation soon.

Two weeks ago, Richard lent Miguel $300 to get his passport for work. Well, Miguel never ever got his passport at all. They told Miguel to come back in May for his appointment.

Well, Miguel didn't save the money. I strongly assumed that he spent the money on you know what.

Now, Miguel is out of a passport, a new job AND a dear friend.

Miguel needed the passport for his new job at a restaurant in Santa Monica. I doubt that he still have the job any more. Miguel is a illegal alien.

Things aren't going his way for the new job. Without the passport, he can't work.

I told Miguel I can't give him the money. I am POOR WHITE TRASH! I am on limited income.
Miguel cried on the phone. I wished I could help him, but I know in my heart that I can't trust

Miguel because of his drinking problem.

Miguel needs to find someone else for help. He can't ask Michael for the money. Michael is letting him to stay with him RENT FREE. Michael is out of the question.

Miguel doesn't know what to do about the money. I felt sorry for him. Miguel got himself in the trouble all by HIMSELF!

I won't rescue him. He needs to do it on his own!

Michael Gilbert letter

Happy

This morning, I sent this letter to Michael Gilbert.

Last night, I mentioned I will write to him about Miguel!

This is the letter...

Michael Gilbert,

I wanted to confirm that Miguel was with me on April 30, Saturday night. I ran into some big trouble with an FBI special agent, Robert Hawk.

Robert wanted to talk to me about the ATTEMPTED MURDER. I refused to call Robert. I won't discuss it to Robert. As long I keep my mouth shut, the police can't ARREST me for the attempted murder. No one have hard core evidence. I know in my heart that I will go to prison.
I don't want to lose my freedom.

A while back, I got into a HUGE fight with this girl. I was angry with her. I chased her with a knife. I wanted to kill her. The girl called out for help. Her mother showed up. She told her mother what happened. The mother CONFRONTED me, but I DENIED everything. I lied to get out of the mess I created.

Miguel

Chillin'

Last night, Miguel called me. He mentioned that Michael was angry at him. He cooked for them and Miguel wasn't even home for supper. Miguel cooked for me! Me bad!

Miguel mentioned to Mike that he was there for me because I was crying about some personal problem. In other words, Miguel flat out LIED to Mike.

Wait till Mike get a hell raising letter about Miguel. Even Miguel will be shock by the revelation! Hey, I want to help Miguel! LOL

Why not? I am such a nice guy! I don't want Miguel to get in trouble with Mike. I want to CONFIRM the truth to Mike in the letter.

Besides, Mike is letting Miguel to stay with him till he get back on his feet. Mike is a sweet person! Mike want to move to Palm Springs. Miguel should go with him. It will do both of them some good.

BUT........Miguel don't want to leave LA! He wants to be near me!

10,000 HITS!

Happy

I finally got 10,000 hits on my AOL profile on May 1, 2005, Sunday. I never thought I will get that many hits.