2001, October 24, Wednesday

4 AM, Miguel finally come all drugged up! I have never saw Miguel like this before. He was on high energy, flewing all over the apartment over an hour or more! He wouldn't shut up for the longest time. He kept on repeating, "I need a smoke, do we have some cigerette, play some music, I need a drink, where is the bottle." I did my best to go to sleep. From his talking to driving me up the wall to the loud music, I explained that I drank the rest of the bottle, we have none cigs. I hope I could go back to sleep. Miguel became a broken record!

I turned of the front light and the computer light. I jumped back in bed. I wished I reamined being silent. A few times, he pulled the covers off me. I repeated told him that I am tired and I want to sleep! The kitchen light was on. I got up to turn them off. Miguel followed me; still wanting a drink! Much to my surprised, all cabinets doors were open. Dear Lord, He tore up the kitchen. I closed all the doors. Miguel bend over and put his head on the oven. He didn't do anything stupid, "I want a drink. I want a drink." I close the door behind me. I went back to bed. He sat down and cried a little; claiming nobody cares about him! Hmm, I wondered why! LOL.

After a while, I face the other way to the door on my side. Miguel tried to take off my underwear. I heard it ripped. No, guys, it wasn't rape. I didn't feel threatened in anyway! If I was, I would have call the police on his ass. He sammed me to get a drink out of me! Miguel thought I threw the bottle out. I lied, I drank it. He was slowing falling asleep! About time too!! Thank God that I went to bed early last night about 10:50PM. I might as well go to bed early from now on. I wouldn't be so tire drained every day. It may cut down the exhaustion in half!

I looked at the time, 5:10AM. I couldn't went back to sleep! Thanx to him, I was wide awake. I turned on the TV, there was nothing on. I went online to start today's date for the jounral! God, it was too quite. I litened to The Pet Shops Boys CD. As I do the journal, I was getting tired. Miguel was still sleeping. I was getting to sleep mode as it was nearing 7AM, 15 till 7. I may turn in right about now! I don't think Miguel would wake up for a while. I could get some sleep. I was hungry too. The only thing I had yester was the bowl of cereal for dinner. I would wait till I woke up. I may cook some scramle eggs for breakfest.

Just a minute ago, I had a big yawn! Talk to u laters, guys!

2001, October 23, Tuesday

5:10 AM, You know the drill. I woke up. Like always, Miguel come home drunk as a skunk. I pretended I was sleeping. He woke me up to talk. He wondered where I was all day! I mentioned that where was he all night. Case closed! I tried to go back to sleep. Miguel kept on talking. He claimed that he was with his lesbian friend, partying! No surprise there! I knew he would be partying! He somehow managed to leave in the car. I had the remote with me all day yesterday! Hmm, he would do ANYTHING to get a drink at any length!

I did my damnest to sleep again. A few times, I told him I was sleeping. He contunied talking. I tried to fall asleep. Miguel brought up that he would go clubbing with the same friend AND (a big if) wants me to go with them this Friday night! It sounds like an great ideal for the moment. I could have a coke at the club then leave their asses at the club! I may even go to a friend's house for the night. Miguel would not find me at all! Perhaps, I could make a dramatic scene at the club before I leave! Let the police come too! I would make nice with the police. Then Miguel would have lots of explained to do!

I didn't pay attention to his conversation! I was more interest of getting sleep than him! I felt like Mariah Carey is coming on me, not in a sexual way! I could feel the exhauston coming on. I would end up in the hospital soon. My body arches! I couldn't stand up that long or walk very much! A few times, i almost fell over from standng up! My eyes were closed! He walked over to my side of the bed. He bugged me more. This time about the car. He wanted to park the car in our spot! I could less! He could get a ticket for all it worth! We can't park on 6th from 7AM to 9AM. He kept pestering me.

The sooner i move the car, the sooner I could get more sleep! I dressed up in my pants and long sleeve. He only wore shorts and a tshirt in the cold. Miguel walked out of the door without his keys. i saw them on the front desk! I asked, "Where is your car keys?" He said, "You have yours. We can use them." I went outside. I said, "Hello, I don't have the car keys. You have mine." He came back and gave me the keys. I said, "Miguel, lock the door." We were on the way to the car.

We walked to the corner. He told me that he would wait for me at the corner. I claimed I didn't see the car. He took me to the car across the street. I unlock the door. I saw a sign. It wasn't not the sign I want, 35 MPH. I saw another one down the street. I ran up to it. Miguel was right, we can't park from 7AM to 9AM! Damn, i wished he didn't saw the sign. I would stay in bed and sleep! We got it in the car. He mentioned that we need to fix the mirror on his side. DUH! He could have done it yesterday on HIS DAY OFF! No, he wanted to PARTY with his alcoholic friends. He picked drinking over the mirror!

We parked the car and went upstairs. I turned off the lights and went straight to bed. He sat on his bed side. He wanted to talk more, "Would I leave him?" I didn't even respond to the question. Let the silence be my weapon. He can sweat it out! Let him really think about it! He started to cry, feeling sorry about his sorry ass. Being silent is powerful! He claimed no one cares for him and so forth! He went to the kitchen and closed the door. I heard him making popcorn. By now, I was wide awake. I got up and weent online.

7:40 AM, Miguel was coughing. I turned around. It looks like he vormit the food up. I saw it dripping from his mouth! He didn't notice it and swallowed it! EIW!

I kept on falling asleep with my glasses on during the View. He hasn't stop by at 10AM. I was pretty tired; it caught up with me! I took off my glasses to sleep! 10:50AM, there was a knock at the door. I was out of it! Sleep was on my mind. I haven't had any good night sleeps lately! I was still exhaustion for the longest time! Miguel ran in the nude and answered the door. I didn't want to know what's up at the door. I just want my long overdue deserved sleep! I figured it was probably Sam at the door; Miguel doesn't want me to answer the door at all.

This time, Miguel didn't send me to the cage. I barely hear them talking. I tried to make it what they were talking about it. I sat up and listen carefully! He explained he was here to meet someone from online. Oh, boy! He came after all. I thought he would never come. I assumed he knew I cancelled our Today's plans. I email him this morning! Maybe, he didn't read the email i sent him. I thought Miguel OBSESSED control the situation and the friends I have! He was like a dog on a bone! He wants answers from Ken. He gave him more details, "the address, phone number and my name."

I couldn't believe it. Miguel let it all hang out in front of him! Hmm, from the looks of things, he didn't mind showing the full monty to Ken! Do I care? Yes, I didn't want Miguel mess with a good friend of mine. Ken already know what Miguel is like, an alcoholic slut! I was embarrassed by Miguel's actions to Ken! I walked quietly up to the door. I whispered to Miguel to close the door. I didn't want to slam the door on his face. He came a long way to hang out with me! I whispered again. Miguel looked at me crazy. He asked me if I met him online. I couldn't deal with Miguel anymore! He just destroyed my friendship with Ken!

I went in the restroom to think something fast! I heard them talking in the apartment! Miguel mentioned I was online a lot and chats with the men! I closed Miguel from my mind! I was stuck between a hard place and a rock! Miguel wondered why I was in the restroom. I lied, "Using the restroom!" Miguel needs to use it! I came out; Miguel went in! Ken sat in my desk chair. I didn't know what to say. I was beyond shock about Miguel! I dressed up as fast I could. I asked, "Want to go to the movies, eat out or what?" Ken declined; he didn't want to be in the middle of it. I don't blame him. Ken just wanted to say bye to us!

Ken followed me to the kitchen. I grabbed the alcohol bottle. He saw it was half empty. Ken sat back down. I put it in the backpack! I sat on the bed to put on the shoes! I whispered, "I'm sorry for wasting your time." He said it was okay! He kissed me on the face a few times. Ken is a sweet fellow. My first impression was he has the positive friendly attitude! I need some of that! My life may go up! I think his first impression of me was downright nasty! He didn't expect any of this! Miguel came out the restroom. He asked, "Did you know each other?" Ken volunteered an answer, "No, it was a mistake. We have never met before." I agreed with him. I think Miguel believed the both of us.

Hmm, cover up my track! Why on God's green earth I did that? Ken and I did nothing wrong. We are not the bad guys here. We were going to hang out today! Here I was, I felt like I was caught in a lie. Miguel was the lying cheating alcoholic slut, not me! I repeated, Ken and I did nothing wrong! Last night, Ken offered to spend the day with me. I need some time from Miguel like I had yesterday with Mike. I need peace of mind and get some energy back in my life.

Ken says goodbye and left the apartment. I was hoping I could spend some time with him, but Miguel really messed up our plans for Today. If Miguel stay passed out a little longer, I could have spent the day with Ken! No, the drunken fool woke up and spoiled everything! I was disappointed the plans were ruin! Now, I was BORING stuck at home again! Yesterday was fun with Mike. I was happy that I could go out in the world again! I want more fun with Ken today! I knew we would have a ball. We could went anywhere like the movies, hang out, the beach, Melrose. We would talk about anything except Miguel!

Miguel asked, "Do you know him?" I lied, "It could be someone else!" He asked, "Where are you going?" I said, "The post office." I wanted so much to get away and look for him! I ole Ken an explanation big time! Since we went with the lie, I couldn't tell him about the email I sent this morning. I wanted to tell him outside. Miguel was watching me closely! He offered to go with me to the post office! Oh, no! For sure, I couldn't catch up with Ken! He would probably be long gone! Miguel asked, "You know where my work schedule is?" He looked on the front desk. I put the bottle back in the kitchen! Miguel thought it was in the car. I would look for it and bring it up. I forgot his work schedule was by the window! Finding Ken was the only thing on my mind! I left the apartment.

I didn't see Ken around. He drove off. I got in the car. I was sad I missed him in the street. I turned on 6th street. I thought I saw him in a black car in the driveway on the right. Nah, it couldn't be him. He wants nothing to do with me! I bet Ken was mad at me! I went to the post office. I threw the junk mail away. I came back home! I gave his November work schedule. I showed him that he had it already by the window. Miguel wants me to look up an address.

First things first, I checked the email I sent to Ken! Dear Lord, I sent it to the wrong Ken this morning! Both Kens have similar names except 2 and to! I didn't notice that in the morning. I was barely awake when I send the email! I didn't think twice of checking the names. I made the same mistake a few weeks back! I really felt awful now about Ken. I wasn't paying that much attention to the email! No, I was too damn tired; the exhaustion got the best of me! Someday, the exhaustion would put me in the hospital! I felt it in my bones. I was getting too tired to do anything. The exhaustion was taking over my life!

Miguel wanted me to lie next to him. Oh, brother. I really didn't need that now, NOT SEX! I want to send Ken an apology in an email! I explained that I send the email to the wrong Ken and so forth! I hope Ken forgive me for ruining his day! I sent him two emails. Miguel still wants me to lie next to him. I did for a few minutes. I went back to online. He woke up again. I mentioned that I need to find the address and write it on paper. I was buying time; he wouldn't pass out again. I knew he was still drunk! I know that Ken smelt alcohol on his breath! And he didn't look that good it either Ken or me! He has to pass out soon! I need time away from him! I need to gather my thoughts.

Sometimes, he doesn't tell me the time to wake him up. This time I woke him up. He says 2PM! I continued watching my soaps. I woke him at 2. I was tired. I lay down for a while. Passions was quite good again, two days in a row! It seems to go faster now! Thanx God! Miguel laid his head by my stomach! He waited for a while to take his shower. We did a good impression of SAM! He does it well! He wants me to top him! Hell, no! He would get no tops from me anymore! He was still sleeping around! I went online again! Miguel played his Celine Dion CD loud! My head was bounding! He went in the restroom to get ready. I turned of the CD player and watch Passions once again!

3:30 PM, he went to work! I watch Rose for while. Then I watch Days Of Our Lives on tape! I almost fell asleep during Days. No, days was good today, thanx to the catfight between Nicole Walker and Sami Brady in Nicole's office! Lately, I was too tired to so anything else. Miguel's drinking was COSTING ME MY SLEEP! Then I did my journey again! I need to catch up on some dates in the journal! I have not done Oct 17 and didn't finish Oct 22. I should do them before Miguel get home! I don't want to forget a thing in my journal! Then again, this past couple of days, I thought about I may give up the journal! If I continued missing more dates, I don't want to keep on doing the journal anymore!

2001, October 22, Monday

6:30 AM, I woke up and the alcoholic was still NOT HOME! I bet more sex! I woke up couple times during the night, it got to me very badly. Each passing day, stress work into my life somehow, feeding on my well being! I turned on the TV for a while. I came across I Dream Of Jeannie on a Spanish channel in ENGLISH no less. Jeannie wants her own birthday; she doesn't remember the date. Even her family thought it was in different months! She was so sad that she couldnt help to DISAPPEARED! I could relate to her very much! I am not happy and I want to DISAPPEAR forever from Miguel! I wished I had her powers. I would blink myself to another place, far far away from Miguel!

He would never ever find me, no one could! I was famous for my disappearing act! I disappeared to Dallas, Hollywood, New Orleans and other places. No one knew where I was during those times till I made my presence known to them or someone fills out a missing person report. One time, the police found me in New Orleans. Tom & Sean was worried about me; they filled the report out! I used an alias to get in contact with them through email. Of course, I lied. They were kind enough to put all my things in storage. I sent them the house keys first class from New Orleans.

7:15 AM, I heard Miguel drove up in the parking space. I thought about staying up; then again, I didn't want to face the drunken loser! So, I turned of the TV and pretended I was asleep. I heard Miguel walked in; close the kitchen door for a snack, got undressed and jumped in bed. He tried to pull the blanket from my head. I held it very strong till I let go of it! Miguel must have thought I was awake since he had a hard time of getting the blanket! He faced me. His ALCOHOL BREATHE streaks for days; it turned my stomach upside down. He begins to kiss me all over my face, knowing he had a cold! I stood still till the drunken fool passed out cold!

I waited for a while. I dressed up and went straight to the car. I noticed the right mirror was out of its socket! I looked in the trunk. There was a beer box in the black trash bag. Yes, I was upset. It turned out the box was full of someone's wieners! Hmm, Miguel must have a huge feast all last night! He couldn't get enough that he took their wieners home!! I was glad that it wasn't mine; bobbit sized wieners! I checked his fanny pack. I took the change. I looked at his new bag. His beeper was there, of course, I took it and the gum too! I closed the trunk! It was time for the seats!

I unlocked the doors. I noticed a bag behind the back seat. I knew it was an alcohol bottle! I dumped it out by the dumpster! It went into the dumpster! I hope the garbage men come today. The evidence would be long gone by the time that Miguel wakes up! I headed back to the car and checked everything else. The change in the Altoids case was missing; he helped to buy the alcohol! I was happy that I took his change from his fanny pack, an eye for an eye! I did asked God for forgiveness. When I found out about the meter's change, I thanked God! I looked at the glove department. Of course, pay back is hell! Wait till the police stop him for something. He would get a rude awakening! I threw the CI in the dumpster with numerous of other things. I put the remote in my pocket! I was quite pleased with my finding! I put the club on the steering wheel. I left the driver's door slightly opened and the passengers door window down! Wait till Miguel found out about the car; I would claim he must have forgotten to lock up the car! He was really drunk! The car's mirror was proof enough for his drunkenness!

I walked in quietly. It seems like Miguel didn't move an itch except when he coughs! I put his keys on the front desk! I took off my leather coat and shoes. I hid the beeper and the remote in different places! Sure, I need the remote to go places! He could get a new one from the landlord! Then, there was the beeper! He needs it for work; I was always online! His sister gave him it as a birthday present! I believed he want the phone to be free for work! Of course, that wouldn't stop me from going online! This would probably be my last month for online! The rates Miguel is drinking these days, there was no sense of getting another year of AOL! We may end up homeless pretty soon! I need to save all the money!

I put his glasses and the keys by his nightstand! He would think he put them there by himself! Some alcoholics tend to FORGET THINGS! I would use that to my advantage! I need to lay the groundwork some way! Sooner or later, he must admit he needs help with his drinking problem! But I won't hold my breath for a confession! He was getting further in NO WAY OUT till he kills himself! He was already killing himself and me for that matter. His heavy drinking was killing my well being; I was getting emotional damage too! Hmm, an eye for an eye sounds interesting to me! God, why couldn't The Sopranos be a real life mob family? I would hire them to kill Miguel for me! That would make me a happy camper! For sure, they would protect me and I know I would do favors for the mob! That is how mobsters work! The hit man is a different story altogether! One thing thou, the killing can't trace back to me! I don't want to end up in prison! Besides, I don't have enough money to hire a hit man! Oh well, life goes on, not for Miguel! LOL I don't want to take chances with a hit man and a mob family!

I went online for the journals today's date! Miguel was still sleeping. I, for one, desperate want to pack it in! It was taking on toll on me. I wasn't thinking straight. Bad thoughts pop in my mind once in a while. I pray to God that I don't go off the deep end! In the past, I was so close to the edge. I somehow managed to escape on time! Some things are NOT WORTH the time, pain and suffering! Get out before something bad really happens!

2001, October 21, Sunday

4:15 AM, I woke up to a drunken Miguel at the front door. He said, "Stay right here. I would get it." I put on my glasses. He walked up to me in bed. I already know what happened. He asked for the money. I flat out refused. He pleaded with me more. I stayed in bed. I won't BAIL him out again! I claimed I didn't have the money. Bailing him out is letting him drink! Bailing him out is letting him drink! He crossed the dangerous road once before, many times before. He begged for more. I walked to the bathroom. I needed to use it. All the anger I had, it wouldn't come out at all. Miguel opened the door TWO TIMES. I couldn't pee. I opened the door. Thank God he wasn't around. I took out the money. Miguel came out of the kitchen.

I walked up to the taxi driver. He said, "I was talking him home. I'm sorry." I said, "No. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's his." I walked to the bed. Miguel locked the door. I yelled, "Where's the car? Where's the damned car?" So much, I want to tear him from limb to limb. But, no, I'm such a NICE PERSON and nice guys finish last! That's a crock and a half! If I'm a nice guy, how come I ended up PAYING for the price? Love wasn't all that! The price of love wasn't worth anything. We all end up heartbroken and yr insanity went through out the window!

I yelled at him more. Miguel broke down; there wasn't any new about that cheap trick! He sat down on the floor. He said, "I was in a accident. I wished I was dead." I could make that happen tonight! My first murder or was it my second attempted murder? Yes, I tried to kill before. No one knew the truth. I covered up the crime and went on with my life like nothing happened. I could do it again, but why? I came so far since my last attempted murder. It wasn't worth to kill him and give up my freedom again!

I got in bed and pulled the covers on me. Miguel cried on the floor. For some stupid reason, I got up and mentioned to get in the bed. I grabbed his arm. He wouldn't get up. I sat on the bed. I remembered I didn't sign out from online. I went to the desk. My good friend, mike, was online. I didn't want to bother him with my problem. Instead, they were talking about relationship in M4M relationship! Their ages were on the screen. I said, "31 and almost DEAD." A few laughed. Miguel crawled on his knees to his side of the bed. I just annoyed him.

I explained that my lover was in a car accident tonight, the second one in two months. A guy said he was sorry. I wasn't sorry at all. I wished Miguel would turn up dead the next car accident. Nope, it wasn't meant to be. God SPARED his life and others from his drunk driving. I wondered how come the police wasn't doing their job. They could have arrest him for drunk driving again and threw the key away for good! Also, the car should be IMPOUNDED too. I wouldn't mind taking the bus again! For sure, Miguel wouldn't drive drunk ever again! Miguel would never learn.

Our lives as I know it would never ever be the same. There goes his well paying job. Thank God that Miguel doesn't have the car. He would be out of job and we would be out on the street pretty soon! I won't pay the rent or fix the damned car again! I was A BIG FOOL to give him $100 on October 17; we had car troubles since last weekend. He made me to feel guilty, "I need the car to go to work. I really need it." Whatever! For sure, I would not BAIL HIS ASS again! This time, his sister could lend him the money! Wait till she finds out THE TRUTH of her alcoholic brother. I hoped to God that she turns him away! Miguel really needs tough love!

For sure, I won't be online that much longer. My free AOL for one year was up this month or the next. I won't pay for AOL, knowing I may not have a place to live. It wouldn't make sense to continue with AOL! The web should be less of my worries. I could always go back some day. I always can go online at the Village for free, one hour a day!

Miguel took off his clothes. He went to the kitchen for his favorite cereal! I started to write about Today's events in my journal. I haven't done Wednesday's yet! That day was something else too! Miguel ran into the iron board, some things fell to the ground! He picked them up. He ate on the bed. My nerves went down, the fire within settles firmly calm till tomorrow. I know we would get into another BIG FIGHT! I would stand my ground, HE MUST FACE UP TO HIS ACTIONS! I would bring up Wednesday, I gave him $100 to fix the car and look what happened tonight! Miguel has a drinking problem! Yet, I was the only one to notice it. What a shame! All he cares about is SEX, DRUGS and ALCOHOL!

Miguel fell asleep about an hour ago. I continued my journal. The time was 6AM. It seems like I wont go back to sleep. I was wide-awake! Miguel was still coughing up a storm! Yesterday, he was still having unsafe sex while HE HAS THE FLU or whatever he had! I found the douche thing in his fanny pack! Loves hurts! Well, I dont give a damn about his love. He can CONTINUE infecting people with the deadly disease, HIV! Yes, you heard it right! Miguel is HIV Positive! The police should arrest him for ATTEMPTED MURDER!

11:10 AM, we both woke up. Miguel called out my name. I didn't want to answer him. I pretended I was still sleeping. He used the restroom. He walked up to the bed and shook me. I woke up, "What?" He said, "Get up. We are leaving. Bring your car keys." I stood up, "You could go by yourself. I don't want to go. I'm tired." He said, "You have a driver's license. Get some change. Come on." We got dressed. I hate bailing him out. I hope for the worse happen to the car.

We walked to the bus stop on Western to Sunset. I was that tired! He didn't want to sit down at the back of the bus. Tough luck! I wasn't going to stand all the way to Sunset. A seat became available. I sat in the back, followed by him. He wanted to get off on Santa Monica. We stayed on the bus. We can take the bus to Fairfax on Sunset. I didn't want to walk up from Santa Monica to Sunset; I didn't have the energy to walk! I almost fell asleep on the bus. We waited for a while on Sunset. He still thought we should have taken the SM bus! We could have stay on further to Hollywood Blvd. The Hollywood bus goes down Fairfax. We would get there faster! I wanted to go back home. I wasn't feeling it! I want to lay back in bed and go straight to sleep!

I forgot what street corner we got off at, but it was nowhere near Fairfax like Miguel claimed! We crossed the street and walked down a block. He thought the gate was locked. We followed a car through the gate. The car was park by the gate. I wondered where is the dent. Miguel mentioned both cars were perfect, no dents at all. Last night, he made a HUGE DEAL that the car was wrecked! I truly felt I have been had! He just pulled out the parking space and into the parked car; the alarm went off. The mad owner took the keys away from him. Miguel should be ashamed of himself; I lost sleep over nothing! He could have pick up the car alone!

I want him to get the car keys from inside Project Angel Food, the extremely popular HIV food meals! I figured the guy works there. We were in their parking lot! I should know. I volunteered one-time couple years back. It was extremely hard work. I never went back the next day or thereafter! Once was enough for me! Miguel refused to get his keys! I tell him again. He wouldn't! That made me upset even more! I was in no mood to fight or yell! He claimed he didn't have time, work at 2:30PM. I drove down Sunset by Wendy's and Burger King. He asked me if I was a hamburger! God, I should have turn the car around and head back to get the keys. We have time for a hamburger and not the keys! My God, the hamburger takes up more time than getting the keys! I turned right on La Brea to Santa Monica to Wilton to home!

1:10 PM, I was surprised at the time. The bus takes up time. I figured it was about noon. Miguel wants my car keys. I told him to take them! I don't have nails to take the keys off! My keys were the only set we had left. Miguel's keys was long gone by now! Later on, a fantastic thought popped in my mind! What if Miguel gets into another terrible car accident, they would take the car keys away from him. We won't have a car to drive. He won't be able to go to work all over town! He won't be able to pay the rent! I can't wait till his whole family finds out THE TRUTH!!

Miguel explained the whole story - Since you already know the first part, I would finish the story. The guy was in an uproar. He demanded the car keys. He gave him them. He has no other choice! Yeah, right! Miguel could admit he has a freaking problem! Hell, no! He wants the easy way out, a slap on the wrist! Miguel was worried that he may get sue. The guy kinda scared him; he called the police on his ass! He really got nervous, more jail time for him! He didn't want that at all, no license and drunk driving! Somehow, he talked himself out of the situation and took a cab which I PAID FOR! Here I was, his damn BAILER! God, I wished I didnt meet that damn alcoholic fool!

I just lay in bed. I was too tired to do anything, even watching TV too! He gave me the TV remote. I want peace and quite for a while! Also, I was falling asleep! He ironed his work clothes. I turned on the TV; Nascar was on! I hardly watch Nascar! I love speed racing. I missed the car wreck of the 16 drivers! Miguel kissed me and mentioned he still love me! He even thanks me for going with him! The speed the drivers were going on the track, that's the speed that Miguel was on the crash course to his self-destruction! Even all the wrecks he has, he keep on speeding full speed ahead! He doesn't care for the other drivers on the track. He would wreck their cars and tried to reach the never ending finish line!

2 PM, Miguel went to work. Thank God! I signed online for a couple of hours. I took a shower. Soon after, I got very tired that I couldn't go any further online. Today had worn me out in the worst possible way! 5:10PM, I took a one-hour nap. I woke up being depressed! I was so down that I can't even talk to people online or do anything else for that matter. I was EMOTINAL DRAINED! I really don't know how much more I could take from the slime ball! My health was shock to hell from all the drama! I truly felt if was getting weaker by the moment! It has been like that over 6 months now! I don't eat that often either! I just want it to be over with! My life wasn't worth the pain and suffering I get from Miguel Garcia! My body arches all over; I can't even sit up, stand for a long time!

My friend im me. His own boyfriend is still up to his old tricks! He wished his lover get herpes! I know how he feels! I really don't blame him for his wishful thinking. There's nothing wrong with that. That's how we feel during that time! More positive attitude and power to us! God wouldn't get mad at us! He already understands our troubles with our lovers! I mentioned that I hope Miguel would die or put in prison for drunk driving. Since he wants sex from others ALL THE TIMES, he won't have any problems of getting sex in prison!

I put it on EastEnders, the popular BBC soap on PBS! EastEnders was another favorite soap I hardly watch! A black character thought he has HEP B; he was worried and checked everything out. His good friend went with him to the clinic! Later on at the pub, we found out that he doesn't have it! Another storyline, some kids were pretty upset that their mom was in town. The mom let their father abuse them and her. She has no choice. At the end, they made up. They were glad she came after all! I could relate to both storylines, Miguel could have gave me STD or be abusive with me! Right now, it was MENTALLY ABUSE from him! My self-esteem was lowered than usual! I used to be happy all the time. Now, I was mostly sad. I was at a dead end street!

He thought I should get HIV testing. I told him the same thing! Last year, his come out negative! His boyfriend should get tested too! He believed he was afraid to know! Yeah, right! Since he wasn't afraid of getting STDs or HIV, he wasn't afraid of unsafe sex like my stupid lover! People must PAY THE PRICE for their actions no matter what the consequences are. He made a valuable point, why are we staying with our lovers? Beats me! I have no place to go! I can't afford a place on my own! Hmm, was that my point? One of us said, "Why we love them?" I think that was his point! I don't want to take someone elses credit! He went to bed.

I typed my journal online. I noticed Fun was online for a while. I sent him a quick IM. "I am letting u know that I may not have AOL next month! We won't talk a lot anymore on AOL. Under today's circumstances, it doesn't make any sense to get another year of AOL! You would know what happen." Fun understood. "I was glad I met you couple months ago! You have been a great help and a fantastic friend. I would try to keep in touch through email or AOL IM." Fun mentioned I could always email him. I gave him my new email address. He would want to know what's going on with me; it was nice getting to know me! I promised I would keep in touch. The village have free web for one hour each day! We said, "Good night." We would talk later on this week!

Now, the time was 11:20AM. Miguel hasn't come home yet. He probably went to get a drink after work! My nose was cold. Hmm, I may get a cold after all! Tomorrow, we need to pick up his paycheck if he come home tonight from wherever he was. On the Western bus, He promised he would pay me back the $100 plus the $30 taxi fair. I lied about the taxi. It was really $18. I want a profit from the cab! Hehe. I should be worth for profits from him. The hell he put me through this past couple months! I don't see it ending soon. I think I go to bed. I really need my sleep. I might as well put Enya on again; she is fabulous to sleep with! Her music always soothes me!

Good night, everyone!

2001, October 20, Saturday

8:50 AM, I woke up to Miguel blew his nose. I was still tired. I didn't get enough sleep! Miguel used the restroom and hopped in bed. I asked him if he want to go with me to the post office. He wanted to, but changed his mind. He would rather sleep instead! He mentioned we don't need anything at K Mart. I figured we ran out of Nyquil! There was one more under the sink! We need another bottle of Tylenol; we had a few pills left. Therefore, I didn't went to K Mart afterall.

I got in the car. His fanny pack was in the passanger's seat! I noticed the fanny was around for a reason. I found that odd. I checked it out! Would you believed that this douche thing made it round! That tells me he is CLEANING HIS ASS at other gay's place! Hmm, it could be from last night. He went to have a drink/party at his friend's on Normandie. Wonders never ceased me! He was spreading his ass for others men! He is a DISEASE INFECTED SLUT! Some people online told me i should call the Health Department to report his ass! Perhaps, he would be arrested in the process too!

I picked up my mail at the post office. Believed me, I was in no hurry to get home! Finally, the Power issue of Entertainment Weekly arrived. I figured it would be out soon. I felt it in my bones. I always looked forward reading the Power Issue! It was something I could strive for in life; power to get away and stay on top! My favorite soap, Days Of Our Lives was on the front cover of Soap Opera Digest magazine! the headline was "Happy DAYS Are Here Again!" Hmm, I wished it was true for me! i only see darkness all around me!

Once again, I could relate to Days on many levels! AMEN! The teens runs wild in Salem over the the summer into the fall; the fans didn't like the teens that much. We wanted our favorties be back upfront! To me, Migule runs wild for a long time ACTING LIKE A TEEN; drugs, sex and booze became his best friend. The Days favorites and I was place on the back burner to showcase the teens! The only good news for me that John, Marlena, Bo, hope, Sami and Austin would be back on the front burner! It's about time too! We were so sick of the teens taking over Salemn! This past summer was too much with the teens! I like the teens, but enough is enough! And, yes, I was still on the back burner, an train wreck from hell! I can't wait till my time in the sun comes back to me!

Then there was Nicole Walker. She had one hell of a summer too! Her father was released from prison! Paul went on a treasure hunt with, you guessed right, the teens all summer long on a island. She realized that he was there and the adults fly down there in the storm! To make a long story short, she was hell bent of saving the teens. Her past caught up with her. Paul has a faced off with John, Brady, and Nicole. Paul hold Nicole with a knife. Jan shot him in self defence to save her life. Paul ended up back in the hospital, more gun shot wounds again! Earlier Nicole shot him too; Paul manage to survive! Paul want to see her; Nicole vowed to killed him on the operation bed, "Die, daddy, die." He gained strength and strangled her with his hands! The police saved her. Paul died on the floor! Nicole was please that she help him to his death! He would never abuse her or anybody else!

I was like Nicole on the level! I have the same emotions about Miguel! I want him DEAD at any cost. He doesn't deserve to live! Nicole and I could only hope, wishful thinking! Since Nicole got her wish, I was still waiting for my wish, "Die, Miguel, die!" The sooner he dies, I would be better off like Nicole Walker! We both see right through Paul and Miguel. We knew what they was like and they would never change for the better! For Nicole, nobody believed her about how cold her father was! Brandon finally saw the light, Faye contunied to defend him! For me, I was in a similair boat. Nobody sees the alcoholic in him; I wouldn't go ahead and tell his family!

2001, October 19, Friday

9:45 PM, Miguel came home with food from work! He fixed me a plate, the pasta was pretty good! He brought up that he would go to his friend's place on Normandie for a drink, makes them DRINKS! LOL This time, he asked me! I wouldn't stop him at all. He would drink anyway! He offered me to go with him. I was tired to go. He tried to persauded me. I still refused! Miguel got dressed up. I heard him to drive away! I stayed online till 3:30, listening to web radio!

4:50 AM, Miguel come home drunk for the UPTEETH TIME! He snack on the leftovers. He coughed for a while in the kitchen. I checked on him. He claimed he is okay. The next hour or so, his coughing continued waking me up. I got so angry at him, he refused to drink some water. I was so ready to salp his ass. I pulled the covers off of him, I was thisclose for some ass whopping! I went back to sleep, his cough went much longer. I couldn't sleep. He was really out of it, telling me to leave him alone! He finally drank some water. He used the restroom. I use that time to fully fell asleep. He woke up me coughing toward me. I convinced him to turn over on his other side. We both fell sleep!

2001, October 14, Sunday

Miguel washed clothes. I wanted so much to go to church, but the car was in trouble! I didn't tell him yet. I went online for a while. Miguel told me that the dryer wasn't working. We gathered up some quarters. We had enough for the laundry mat. I brought out the old winning lottery tickets. We can get three tickets and $5. The $5 was just in case for the laundry.

I pulled the car out of our spot. I drove up to the gate. Miguel mentioned he had the same trouble I did, which I didn't tell him about it! The gas pedal couldn't go up in speed. He claimed he had trouble going up to the street; he rolled back down. So, Miguel thought the car need some oil. I knew that wasn't the case. We went to Auto Zone on Vermont! Throughout my driving, the car punted about 20 MPH. I was glad there werent many cars behind me wherever we went!

I parked the car in a very crowded parking lot. I noticed a grocery store. I gave him the tickets to cash them. I made my move and threw the damage goods away in the trash. Miguel didn't suspect a thing. The workers scan the tickets; the machine wasn't working. We would try somewhere else. I brought a box of oil. He wanted to buy 4 singles. I told him the box would be cheaper.

I forgot the say that was my first time going out in public being bald. It felt strange and scared. Miguel tried to convince me to wear my hat before we left. I refused. I didn't see the point in the hat. I wasn't scared. He thought I look like the GOD AWFULL KKK! Other men were bald like Gervace from Survivor and even the Greek bald God, Kojak! I was in good company! If people think I was with the KKK, they would think that, but that doesn't mean A DAMN THING! Looks dont mean anything! We were ALL DIFFERENT on the outside, but we are the same inside!

I paid the oil and the tunnel with my ATM, $25.73. Somebody I know lost Miguels ATM card! Shhhh. It's too bad I didn't lost mine either! Hmmm. Miguel would bring the car to me. Nah, I walked to the car. I didn't want to wait around. The car wasn't too far and the box wasn't that heavy! I pulled out of the space. We were on our way to the laundry mat. The car was slow at times. We barely made it up the hill! That was the only one we came across. The laundry mat parking lot was full. He wanted to go to the one on Santa Monica by 7/11 and 76 Gas.

I saw someone got in the car. I backed up some. Miguel freaked, he thinks I don't look when I reversed! We parked. I ran inside. I found four free dryers. I ran out to get him. We rushed and made it on time. Some guy came along and took the fourth one! We were down to three. Another dryer opened, we use that one too. I went outside and checked on things. I see I could move the car closer. I stood by our car. Something came up in the lot; a guy became upset with this other guy. He couldn't made up him mind which way to go. By that time, the other spaces by the entrance filled up fast. I went back inside.

A while later, a women left the lot by the handicapped spot. I grabbed it fast! Nobody wasn't around, no cars was coming or leaving. I was much closer to our clothes inside. I didn't want to walk to the other side with the clothes. We were done with the clothes. Miguel was hungry for a hot dog. We had the $5 ticket he could use! We got the combo meal at 7/11, hot bog, chips and a coke! We almost brought The Sunday's paper! He ate the whole hot dog except the bite I took in the car. It was quite good! I put the clothes away. Miguel cooked steak, green beans and potato for dinner. We watched the Gilligan movie on CBS! I went to bed about 11:30.

Earlier today, Miguel did a complete 100% turnaround like it never ever happened. For some goofball odd ideal, he was acting like my boyfriend. He seemed like the big break up never happened. In public, he was "in love" with me. Something got to give. I wouldn't get back to him. Also, he kissed me at home too. He can't go on mentally abuse me. One moment, we broke up. The next moment, we were lovey dovey with each other. He was quite angry when we break up. The truth is that I didn't have the money for his ID. He wanted to be an f@cking slut, do our own things and I don't have to worry about him. My, how a weekend changed everything! I was looking forward to my single life once more! That means one freaking thing, he doesn't want to let go of me!

All the break ups we have, he manages to be mine all over again in a single second!

2001, October 13, Saturday

It was a slow day. Miguel went to work in the afternoon. I changed DRASTICLY since the break up. Not that drastic, I only shaved my head BALD! I looked awesome and, no, I am not a blockhead like Charlie Brown! My head is round enough to be bald! I shaved my head couple years ago when I lived on Gower. I let it grew it back soon after. I wanted to see how I look. Kojak want his cocky lollipops! Any flavor would do! This time, I may remain bald for the time being! I wondered if the any shampoo cream for baldness. Shaving your head is pretty hard. It took me about 20 minutes in the shower. Gervace from Survivor looked wonderful! My head was like his, so round!

9:15 PM, Miguel came home. He was shock to see me bald, "No, no, no." He doesn't like it. I don't care what Miguel or what other people think. I am my own person. I would do my own thing. I would dress the way I do too. They could call me a freak all they like! It wouldn't bother me. Most people aims to be perfect, the perfect body, the perfect lover, the perfect everything! No thanks; being too perfect wouldn't be that much love. Most people go to clubs for the perfect love. In reality, that love is emptiness. They work so hard on the outside that it is a waste of time. They seemed to forget what's really important INSIDE!!

2001, October 12, Friday

8:10 AM, I woke up. It was so heavily on my mind. I couldn't go through with it. I put it in the fanny pack. An hour later or so, I put it back in the spot. Yes, I sound like a hypocrite. Who cares? He does need tough love! His family doesn't know what really going on with him. Only God and I know the horrible truth. I just want to do the right thing. Yes, my conscious got the best of me when I woke up! Living with an alcoholic changes everything! You would do anything and everything to get your life back in order! I truly felt awful doing certain things to him. I can't let his problem control the situation or me for that matter. I must be in control at all times. If I let my guard down, the problem would be in control! I must remain strong in spite of doing something drastic!

I was online during Y&R. He woke up and needs to use the phone. He cancelled his ATM card. That wasn't the first time he did that. Last year, I stole his ATM card from his wallet. We ran into some problem after work one Friday night. He called me from Universal Studios to pick him up! I waited for him at a place by the 101 Freeway. He called me on the cell phone. I was at the wrong gas station, a block away from where he waited for me. I drove up.

A drunken Miguel waved someone across the street at the bus stop! Oh, brother! He wants to take that smelly guy to the beach. I was extremely upset with him! I can't believe he just did that. He could have wait for the bus. I tried to convince him that we couldn't trust strangers. His drunken self refused to listen to reason! He was so out of it, Let's face the fact - drunks couldn't less who they help. I wasn't feeling safe with him in the back seat. Miguel's backpack was with on the floor with him.

I told them both that I would take them halfway. I didn't want to go all the way to the beach. I was so tired. And I didn't trust the guy at all! I turned on San Vincente from Santa Monica Blvd and dropped him off at the corner of Pico and San Vincente in a parking lot. They got out of the car. I watch them both very closely behind the car through the mirror. They talked for a while. Miguel got his wallet from his backpack in the back seat. That really steamed me off. Here I was, VERY SOBER and that drunken fool gave a completely stranger $5 or more. I yelled at him to get in the car. He wished the strange well. We drove off.

Of course, I yelled at him about the stranger. He didn't think much of it. He was so wasted and fell asleep! I took it upon myself to help him anyway including desperate measures! We arrived home. I sent him to bed; he was so DRUNKEN TIRED from work. I took out his ATM card from the wallet and hid it in the closet. I already have a story! LOL Saturday morning, he noticed the ATM card was missing. I convinced him that the guy could have taken it. He believed the story and cancelled the ATM card.

12:10 PM, Miguel got ready for the DWV to get a new ID. I mentioned "I need to finish getting my shots for HEP A/B." The doctor told me I must come back in October! Miguel asked, "What time?" I said, "They didn't gave me a set time. I have to show up." Miguel brushed his teeth. I dressed up too; I was going with him somewhere. Miguel came out the restroom. He asked, "Do you have $20 for the ID." I looked in my wallet, no cash! He kinda got upset. I said, "Sorry, I don't have it." He went to the bed. I went to brush my teeth. I noticed he took off his pants. I walked out the restroom. I asked, "What are you doing? I thought you want to go." He sat up in bed with his arms on his head. He said, "I'm not going." I asked "Why?" He angrily said, "I'm not going." I was dumbfounded and shock!

I was hoping he could drive after I was drugged. The last time for the shots, he drove the car for me. Boy, I was out of it. I said, "Come on. Get dress." He refused. I said, "I need to drove from the doctors. I would be drugged." He said, "Take the bus!" I didn't want to take the bus; it was getting late. The first time for the shots in April, I was out of it on the bus home; he dropped me off and went to work. For sure, I don't want to take the bus and the gate code was not working. I could have taken the gate remote from the car. Then he would be stuck at home with the car! I knew he would be mad if I did that! LOL

Since he wasn't budging from the bed, I might as well to stay home and go on Monday. If he isn't working, I take the bus with the remote first thing in the morning! I went online for Today's entry of the journal! 1:30PM, someone beeped him. I thought it was work. I sign off to let him to use the phone. He got dressed. I heard him by the door. I pushed back in my chair. He took his fanny pack and opened the door. I asked, "Where are you going?" He said, "Out of here." We both repeated ourselves. He closed the door. I went online again. He drove off to parts unknown! I had a feeling that his other loser for a boyfriend beeped him! Oh well! I hope soon that Miguel would let me go from the mentally abuse relationship, among other things!!

2:20 PM, he came back to take me to the doctors for my shot. He said, "Come on!" I looked at him. He said, "Come on. Let's go." I didn't want to go anywhere with the slut. I don't trust him as far I could throw him, which isn't far. My first thought was he could have some beat me up outside or when we are at the doctors, someone could have break in and took all our stuff. I asked, "Where?" He said, "To get your shot. You want to go today." I said, "It's getting late." He said, "It's only 2:30PM. We can make it." I really want to go on Monday; we can have space for today! I already made up mind for this coming Monday. I said, "Why should I go? You gave me attitude since noon. It's not my fault I don't have the money on me." He said, "Fine."

He went to the restroom. I put on my clothes. He went out of the door down the stairs. I saw my chance; I could get rid of it when we were out. I put it in my pocket. Soon enough, he came back with the mail. I decided to take my backpack and my bus pass too. He might leave without me. I already had a back up plan if he does! We got in the car. He was the driver without a license! We took 6th St. Along the way, he mentioned that I don't have to worry about him; he would be the f@cking slut. We can do our own thing. I explained I don't want to talk. We were on the way to see the Drs. I don't want my nerves to be shock or break down in the Drs office.

A while later, he brought up the same thing with a twist; I should pay $250 for rent. I didn't even responded. Why should I pay rent? He still ole me over $1,800 for the TV, bed, TV stand. We went half on some things. I only paid for the VCR and the microwave oven. Since he ole me, that could be my rent for 8 months tops! If he moved or kicked me out, he would pay me for the remaining rent! That seems fair to me! I don't have to worry about the rent! I would be 8 months in advance! I don't think he would go for it. I don't want to take everything when I move out. I only want my clothes and the computer. He could have everything else. I don't want to drag lots of things around with me!

I mentioned I want to pick up my mail at the post office. He took me. I first went to my box. He couldn't see me at the wall table. I threw it away. A lady saw me. I only keep some certain stuff, namesake stuff, in my pocket. I got in the car. We were on the way to the doctors. The street was block off. We went around the whole block to park. Miguel used the restroom. I waited in the office. He sat by me. The receptionist wondered I was here for the HEP B shock. Of course, darling. A nurse called me back. I sat down by the window. I filled out some paper. Another nurse came in. She explained to the first nurse that I already fill one out. I showed the nurse the card. I pointed at the month' October is the 6th month. She gave me the shot. She placed free parking stickers on my parking card.

I didn't see him in the waiting area. I knew where he was. I opened the restroom door. He dried his hands off. We got in the car. He wanted some candy in the back seat. Hello, the candy is where you left them, the tape section. He pointed at the sucker, Hmmm, and what a biggest sucker he is! LOL I gave him the sucker. He mentioned I was stupid. I let that slide.

STUPID, STUPID, STUPID. All I can and would say in this journal, he is the one WHO IS SO DAMN STUPID! He broke up with me to be an f@cking alcoholic, druggie, sex addiction, disease STD infected slut! Wow, that's saying a lot about him! He passed up a wonderful thing in me! ANOTHER STUPID LOGIC - he picked alcohol, drugs, unsafe sex, and STD over true real love! Is that stupid or what? The alcohol and drugs really affected his mind! He really needs big time help! I could do ten times better than the f@cking, alcoholic, druggie, sex addiction, disease STD infected slut!

He dropped me off. The gate opened. I walked to the apartment! I have time to use the scissors! I put the trash away in the spot; he wouldn't find it. I turned on the TV and sat on the bed writing down the Today's events. He came home with the newspaper. I decided to go to the computer; we need our space. He asked, "Do you want to talk now?" I said, "You said I could think about it. I need to think about it." It was the furthest thing from my mind. I would let it come to me, and then we could talk about being roomies! The stuff we brought together should be my rent, 8 months worth! I really don't want the stuff!

He stood by the bed. He asked, "Are you going to think about it." I rolled my eyes, "Yes!" He accused me, "You are never there for me. I'm always there for you. I ask you for the money. You refused! You could lend the money and I would pay you back." I wished he stopped complaining and telling lies! MORE LIES FROM HIM, HE DOES NOT PAY ME BACK! He continued, "I need the money for the ID. No, you don't want to do that." I yelled, "I told that I don't have the money. I looked at my wallet." He said, "Don't yell at me. You didn't look at it." YES, I LOOK IN FRONT OF HIM. Ladies and gentlemen, please meet the new queen of stupidity!

I yelled at him more. He told me to shut up. I kept on. He looks at the newspaper, I did my journal. We went to neutral corners if there were ever one. He checked his cooking in the kitchen. He sat on the bed, looked at newspaper. I got up, grabbed my wallet, "Okay, hot shot! Where is the money? See. See. See. See. See." I went through every pocket. He got up to the kitchen. I said, "Where is my f@cking money? I don't have any on me. Fine. Walk away." I went back to the journal! He came back with his food. He said, "I hope you move out! I hope you do!" As long as I pay the rent, I could be his roomie. Got that, Miguel?

Passed 7 PM, He groaned about something. I think he was in pain! I asked, "Are you okay, babe?" He didn't say anything. He gave me the dreadful silent treatment. Miguel watched Wheel Of Fortune. I joined him in my chair with legs on the bed. A black lady solved the puzzle, "I think you are on to something." I agreed with her. I said, "Yeah, Miguel, I think you are on to something. Let's talk about being roomies." No talking yet. I said, "Fine, do the silent treatment. It isn't doing us any good. You can have it your way." I went back to the journal!


HOUSE RULES

1) No alcohol, drugs or whatever bad habits there might be.

2) Mature responsible adults

3) Live separated lives as much as possible.

4) We pay for our own way, the food, and the toiletries! No asking for money! It could cause problems.

5) No shady characters

6) No silent treatment. It could cause problems!

7) No stupid games.

8) No sex with each other.

9) If Miguel and/or I moved out sooner, he has to pay me for the remaining rent.


The Roommate Situation

Miguel wants me to pay half the rent, $250 each month.

I just remembered something; I do pay all the bills since the beginning. Therefore, the rent should be about $200.

He still ole me over $1,800 for the TV, queen size bed, TV stand, the nightstand, the dresser and others. We went half on some things. Since he ole me, that could be my rent for 8 months tops! If he moved or kicked me out, he would pay me for the remaining rent! That seems fair to me! I don't have to worry about the rent! I would be 8 months in advance! I only want my clothes and the computer. He could have everything else. I don't want to drag lots of things around with me!

2001, October 11, Thursday

9:30 AM, I woke up next to Miguel. He looked at me with his sad face. He asked, "Are you going to leave me?" I said, "Leave me alone." He continued looking at me. I said, "I don't want to talk about it." He turned over and faces the wall. I lay in bed, getting bent out of shape. My anger is fueling the fire within! I couldn't stand lay next to him and even look at him. I kept the fire under control. I did what I should have done long time ago, walk away! I need some time alone. I got dressed. Miguel was fully asleep! I grabbed my daybook and the bills!

I was on the way to the Post Office first. I noticed there was something wrong with the car. Sometimes, I step on the speed pedal; the car didn't go as fast as it once did! I reached about no further 25 MPH, then the pedal kicked in to normal! It happened throughout the morning. Well, Miguel somehow messed up the car once again! First, he wrecked the car last month, drunk driving. Second, the muffler, it was lose. Now, the speed pedal! I didn't count previous incidents of the car.

The first month we had the car, I was on the way to pick up Miguel at La Dome. I drove down Rossmore Ave. The car broke down by 3rd. I couldn't find the emergency lights. I walked back to home. Jeff explained a furious Miguel called me. I told him that the car broke down. An hour later, Miguel came home in a taxi and fought with me. I tried to explain, but Miguel wouldn't listen to me. He only wants to fight! Jeff didn't want to get in the middle and smoke outside. I don't blame Jeff! The next morning, Miguel was still mad at me. I told him that I didn't plan for the car to break down! THINGS HAPPENS and we have no control over things. It wasn't my fault.

Miguel called his sister in law. She took us to the car. They checked the car; the black thing wasn't connected to the turning wheels. We also need a new battery! Somehow, I don't remember how, we took the car home. We went to Pep Boys for a new car battery, the strap and the club! Jeff, Miguel and the sister in law fixed the car. I know nothing about cars, except to drive and park! Since then, we continued to have some sort of car troubles! The car broke down once more a few months later. The car is so old! His sister had it over 14 years!

I went to the Melrose Bank for $40, and then I paid all my bills at AT&T and The Gas Company. The gas lady worker made a funny joke, "My, your bill is too high. I hope you can afford it." I accidentally dropped my daybook. She thought I fell down! Nah! I didn't want to go home. I need more time. So, I went to Smart & Final for milk then arrived home at 11:30AM. I noticed he was still sleeping. I turned on the TV for Y&R! Miguel woke up during All My Children. We finally talked, only about the ABC soap! He wondered what Greenlee was up to with the trash! I mentioned Greens found Leo's note for Laura to destroy their marriage; Greens still want Leo! In another storyline, Adam wants Liza's sister to go after Ryan in order to keep him away from a pregnant Liza to save his marriage to Liza! Got that? LOL

Miguel went back to sleep. I continued watching the soaps and read SOD! 2PM, I woke up him to get ready for work at Universal Studios. Then he went down to get his clothes AND BEER from the trunk! I saw him to put the beer in the icebox! Hmm, HELL, NO!! I won't have alcohol in the apartment. He could save him money, but I really doubt it. He would go to the clubs to drink. Having beer at home WOULD NOT stop him from going out! Therefore, I forbid alcohol at home. Couple days ago, I did dump the liquid bottle in the sink and I would do it again! If we let alcohol in the home, we would have MORE PROBLEMS we couldn't handle!

I watched Rosie. Miguel looked for something; he went through his pants. I let it go! I won't give him his wallet. He may go clubbing after work. Hmm, or would he? He doesn't have enough money for the clubs, $37.97 as of 10/11/01, Thursday. The ATM only gives out $20. He franticly searched for his wallet everywhere. He knew he had it in his pants. Oops, I acted too hastily. He wasn't that drunk last night. I took a chance at the wrong time. I should have wait till he was REALLY drunk out of his mind!

I asked, "What are you doing?" He said, "I'm looking for my wallet. I know I left it in my pants. Now, it is gone!" I said, "I don't know where you put it. It could be anywhere." He said," No, something happen. Please help me." I tried my best to convince him that he could drop it outside. He didn't buy that, he was so sure he left it in his pants! He said, "I need to find it before I go to work. I need my ID for Universal Studios!" That took me back. Last week, I read online that all studios would have more security, due to the 911 tragedies! Damn, that didn't cross my mind! They would check the car too! Hmm, another ideal for revenge come to me! It was too spicy for Miguel! I may not do it anyway!

I tried to persuade him that it could be in the car. I had a chance to get the wallet from the secret hiding place. He was on his knees to look under the bed. I could have got it. I didn't want him to see me! I mentioned I would look in the car. He claimed I don't have to. He was on his way out to work. He would use his passport as his ID for Universal Studios! At least, he has an ID! I was in the clear. He got his things and claimed he still love me. I heard him to drive off.

I made up my mind. I took the wallet out of the hiding place. My story - "I found it at the end of the bed. The wallet must have fell out of the pocket! I think you didn't look there good." That seems logic enough! He would buy it! MY ACTING must be so good to pull it off! I know it would be easy.

Few hours later, I went through his wallet inch by inch! I saw a motel card. On the other side of the card, it has a location map! The motel is on the corner of Yucca & Hollywood near Mann Chinese Theater. It has luxury rooms, movies, direct dial phone, swimming pool, radios and AC! I remembered I saw the same motel on his bank statement online. I signed on to online banking. I hit another JACKPOT! The fucking slut and his hoe stayed at the motel 4 FREAKING TIMES, the days he was missing for 4 days in August 2001, the beginning of my online journal.

The statement says the date for the motel are August 30 - $70 and August 31, September 4 (times 2) - $60. That would make him there from August 27 - 30, the four nights - he lied he was at a friend's house! Miguel's slutty around has been going on over a couple of months now! Miguel lies, cheats, drinks, drugs, gives me STD, waste his money, use people and don't come home some nights. WOW! Isn't he the perfect nothing-good boyfriend? I can't wait to have kids to be like the fucking slut! Miguel is the perfect role model! NOT!

I decided to look up some groups for him. I thought about stopping by the Village this morning. Then, I can take him without telling him. He really needs the meetings. I cant go on like this anymore. This past couple months has been too much to take! If he asked me why we are there. I would say you tell me. Hmm, if he says the wrong answer, that would be the icing on the cake. I gave him lots of chance to come clean. He hasnt even tried to get help for his problems or his STD! He was still giving STD to others. He didnt come home Tuesday night. I should call the police on his ass!

9:50 PM, Miguel came home from work. He kissed me and wants to use the phone. I signed off. He asked, "Did you find my wallet?" I didnt answer him. I think I let him sweat a little till I tell the story. I noticed he wondered about his wallet. He cant seem to place it. As I type this part, his wallet was in my pocket! I found the times of the meeting.


12-Step Groups Currently Meeting at The Village

Alcoholics Anonymous

AA Tuesdays & Thursdays, 12:30 - 2 pm
Big Book Study Mondays, 8 - 9 pm
Blah Blah Step Study Thursdays, 7 - 8 pm
Book Study Wednesdays, 7 - 8 pm
Women's AA Wednesdays, 8 - 9 pm


I think on his next day off, I would surprise to take him! If he turns it down which I truly believe we would, he turns down and killed our love forever, which the love was already dead. I know he must do it for himself, not us! It doesnt work that way. I wont even be there for support. He doesnt want to stop drinking, the drugs and unsafe sex. Why should I be there for him? He has change over the months into someone I dont even know any more. He says he love me. Then again, our love is not good enough for him! He doesnt watch the soaps or the reality TV shows with me. Last month, he told me he doesnt want to and I should tape them when he is home! He lives in a separate world, many worlds away from his family and me.

He watched TV. I heard the microwave beeped. I said, "Your popcorn is done." He said, "Okay." I continued doing my journal. More than 20 minutes past, I put the wallet under the monitor. I walked to the kitchen doorway and looked at him. I asked, "Are you going to eat your popcorn?" He said, "Yes." I asked, "When?" He said, "Leave me alone." I asked, "Why?" He responded, "Why not?" I turned off the kitchen light and went to the computer! He hasnt got up to get his popcorn!

11:50 PM, I playful said, "I think Im going to eat some popcorn, Miguel!" He said, "So." I jumped in bed and finished watching Just Shoot Me, it seems logic to me. Please, somebody, just shoot me now! Im so tired of the freaking loser! For the longest time, I keep on asking God to take me now, but he doesnt want me! I went to the kitchen. I put the popcorn in the bowl. I gave it to Miguel. He said, "I thought you was going to have some." I rolled my eyes. He said, "Please give me two Tylenol." I said, "Why should I? You said to leave you alone. You can get them yourself!" Miguel moved the popcorn from himself. I got the Tylenol for him. I said, "Are you going to eat it?" I put it close to him! He said, "Leave me alone." I went back to the journal once more!

It does sounds like I dont have a life. Its just the journal, online and me! I used to write for a soap, I have to revamped the soap, but my real life soap is taking up most of the time. So, the soap is on the back burner till my life is back into focus! My personal soap is taking a toll on me; Miguel made my life so damn miserable since the summer! I dont do anything else! I dont have a car and the gate code doesnt work. I cant do anything till the code is fix! Its just the same old boring daily routine!

2001, October 10, Wednesday

12:10 AM, I heard Miguel drove up in the parking lot. I wished he wouldn't come home any more. There was nothing or anyone here for him. I dreaded the times he comes home! Then again, I can't go anywhere, he has the car and the gate code wasn't working!

Miguel said, "Hi!" I just looked at him and say nothing. He said, "I have no excuse. I'm a fucking slut." That was a under statement I ever heard one! He went to his side of the bed, "I'm a fucking slut." I said, "I don't want to talk about it." I heard it many times before. He said, "I'm sorry. I'm a fucking slut!" Whatever! I know that for some time like he is a DRUGGIE and an ALCOHOLIC!! It's news to me! I read between the lines; I did my homework! I do have online access to his bank account. That is good enough for homework! Then there are the receipts.

He got undressed. He asked, "Can I used the phone?" I signed off the web. He checked his messages! I continued writing tonight's events! He put the phone up and went to the kitchen! I thought about going online again! Then, I won't be bother by the FUCKING SLUT, (in his own words. LOL)

He was on the way to the restroom; he stops by me first to kiss me on the neck. I said, "Baby!" He came out of the restroom. He kissed me on the other side of the neck. I angrily said, "Baby." I want so much to yell at him. Once again, I held back my anger. Yes, it still hurts. What hurt more is I know he would DO IT AGAIN! He said, "I love you. You are my baby no matter what." He sounds like OBSESSION to me! He went back to the kitchen for a snack! Then he took his food to the bed and watches some TV!

He turned off the kitchen light. He walked over me and started to kiss me. I yelled, "Leave me alone!" He kept on kissing me. I said, "Stop it." He kissed me one last time. He went back to his food and The Bundys! All the kisses, all the sex, all the money, all whatever won't bring my love back to him. Our love is dead for once and for all! He killed it long time ago!

He put up the plate. He came over to me once again. Bleh, more kisses! I said, "Baby! Eat!" He said, "Honey, I love you." I asked a very INTERESTING QUESTION, "How could you love me after all the things you destroy our love?" He was silence for a second, "You are going to leave me, are you?" I raised my voice, "Go away and eat!" He said," Are you going to leave me?" I turned around, "Go and eat." I wished he leaved me alone. He went back to bed. I kept on typing. He said, "Baby?" I dreaded to turn around. I looked at him. He said, "I love you." I said, "I don't want to talk!" He said, "Are you going to leave me?" I refused to answer him. I repeated myself, "I don't want to talk!" I faced the computer once more. He sadly said, "You could leave me. I'm sorry. I'm a fucking slut!" I'm sorry is getting so damn old!!! I am sick of it!

I would leave him, but where to go, whom I stay with and what money kept me with the slut! I have no one to depend on, not even my family! Besides, I don't want to count on anyone! I can't afford to pay them back! God would pay them back in spades! Also, I don't want it to be a bad habit; my friends may get sick of my freaking problems and me!

My dad died in 1973, Mom raised three kids till Robin come in the picture. She didn't know she was pregnant at that time. I always thought God replaced dad with his fourth kid by mom! All the years mom raised us, she never ever ask for handouts! She did it on her own! It gave her the strength she needs to raise us. She became a lot stronger for it! God looked out for us.

Now, you know where I'm coming from about help from friends. Since mom did it on her own, I can do it too! I did it before and I would do it again. Only God would help me. I have all the faith in the world to trust him with my life. I couldn't go wrong for counting on our father, GOD! The bad times would make me STRONGER through Jesus Christ! I may not have muscles or was smart enough in school; I know what to do to make it in this world we live! I got this far in life, haven't I? No man, no money, no fancy clothes, no mansions would not stop me from going far in life. I don't need those things at all. Yes, it is nice to have them. My faith in God is all I need!

Miguel fell asleep with his glasses on during Home Improvement! I wanted to take of his glasses, but I may wake him up. For sure, I really don't want that. I would like to snoop first! I already know how much he has left in his bank account. Throughout the day, I checked his account. He went from $235.34 to $165.20 to $143 to $65.20 to $43.20, not counting the money he spent yesterday at the club. I didn't write down the right amount, they were close to what I remember. Next time, I should have!

As of 10/10/01, it started at $235.34 to $43.20 by 1:35AM, 10/11/01. Since yesterday after work, he wasted his paycheck on DRUGS, BOOZE and UNSAFE SEX! He really needs help. He has major problems he needs to deal with now. If not, he would never get help. He may end up like my dead friend couple years back; he killed himself! It may come to that. I won't put it pass by Miguel! He was already killing himself! May God help him!

I checked his pants. I got his wallet and went through it at my desk! I saw Nicks phone and "I cant wait" on a napkin! Nick really gave me the creeps, I have never met him and Im not talking about Miguels slutty ways either. Nick was the name of my friend who killed himself a few years back! How creepy is that? It could be a sign from God; Miguel is on the same road to DESTRUCTION! Like I didnt know that! LOL I thought about hiding his wallet from him. Hmm, I know where too. I have lots of places I know of, but this place is the best one! He wouldnt suspect that spot! Or I could destroy his ATM card. I would lie unless I have to! Im that type of a person to protect anyone! He is HARMING HIMSELF. Someone needs to put a stop to it! Hmm, come to think of it, why should I put a stop to it? I dont give a damn about the low life scum! The sooner he kills himself, the better I would be off. Good riddance, Miguel!

2001, October 9, Tuesday

4:10 AM, unlocked the chain. Miguel finally come home drunk after he stay out all night the night before. I went back to bed. Miguel undressed and went straight to the kitchen for something to eat. I went in the restroom with his wallet. I found more receipts from Spotlight. Hmm, unsafe sex, drinking and drugs once again! This time, I left the receipts in the wallet. I could get them later. I place the wallet back on the dresser by his keys. I went back to the bed under the covers. He got in bed; he was in lots of pain! I just annoy his pain! I fell asleep.

8:45 AM, He stood in front of me. I woke up by his kisses. He looked at his work papers. I didn't want to get up. I was still tired from not getting enough sleep lately! I got dressed. A knock was at the door. Miguel answered the door nude. Sam mentioned the plumber was here for the leak in the bathroom. We had the leak over 3 weeks or more. Miguel left the note at Sam's couple days ago.

Miguel ALWAYS ordered me to go to the kitchen if someone like Sam dropped by. Today was one of those days. Like always, I went back to my CAGE! I don't know why Miguel sends me to the cage. Miguel mentioned Sam knows I live here too. I'm not on the least. If Sam ever asks why I'm here, I would say I am working online for some SOAP OPERA! The plumber came in as Sam talks to Miguel. I was trapped in the cage, nothing to do. I just sat at the table till the coast was clear! Sam left. Miguel told me to stay a little longer. I got the Fall TV preview Entertainment Weekly Issue to occupy my time.

Miguel came for me; the plumber was still fixing the leak. I sat on the bed. Miguel stayed in the kitchen. Sam walked in. Miguel didn't know he called his name. I said, "Hi!" to Sam! The plumber finished. Miguel begged me to go with him to the office. I didn't want to go! I didn't get enough sleep couple of nights. So, I didn't turn him down. We got there. I always wait in the car. Most times, I may park a block away. I saw someone get in their car. An ideal come to me, take their spot. I would be right at the front door.

The one guy in a small red car pulled up fast behind me. I had my blinkers on. He complained and honked. My hand went out of the window. I flipped him off! I said, "He doesn't own the street." If he does, he would be homeless! Just kidding! He got in the other lane and drove off. I parked the car. Here comes Miguel with his new work schedule. He wanted to buy some ice cream. I had no money on me. We went to the post office. Nothing was there. The car in front of us, he almost hit this guy while he backs out. He was thisclose of hitting him!

I wanted to go back the way I came to the PO on San Vincente! The cars were coming. So, I headed to Sunset and went down Holloway Dr to SM Blvd. Miguel mentioned he must cash his check at the bank, $405.71. He didn't tell me at first. I thought we went for his schedule. If I known that, I would stay on Sunset! I made a left turn on La Cienega to Sunset. We arrived at the bank. He went in. I stayed in the car like always. I checked my money at the ATM. Everything is absolutely fabulous. I got back in the car, followed by Miguel.

He claimed he was hungry. I could cook us some scramble eggs for breakfast when we get home. We drove down Sunset.

Miguel saw a LIQUID STORE. I dreaded to stop for him. He brought me some water and himself, a LIQUID BOTTLE! I had a feeling he would do that. He wants a burrito. We had no cash on us! We decided to go home. I made a right turn on Highland. He mentioned we need some gas. I thought the gas station was on the right side toward La Brea. I got in the wrong lane. I was about to get in the right lane, but this one guy wouldn't let me in. So, we got gas at our regular spot on 6th! I headed home.

He was still hungry, "Ralph's." I parked the car. He asked, "Where is his keys?" He gave me his things to put in the trunk. I grabbed between my legs; nothing was there. And I don't mean the third leg either! LOL I got out of the car. He somehow got the keys from me. I got his from the liquid store; I hid them between my legs. I opened the trunk. I got back in the car. He laughed; "I have them in the fanny pack." He got out of the car. It was my turn for fun! I hid his wallet and the keys in my pockets. He wondered what I was doing. I wanted to know what liquid bottle he brought. Hmm, a wine cooler! The thing is the liquid bottle was ALREADY HALF EMPTY! My water fell on the bag. He wouldn't suspect a thing. I put the club on. He looked for his wallet. He knew I have them all along with the keys! We only got 16 legs at a good price. We finally went home! I ran to the kitchen and checked out the bottle! I may get some later.

I got home on time to watch The Young and The Restless on CBS. He called work; I didn't tell them they beeped him in the car at work. I had about 6/7 legs; he ate some of mine! Hmm, isn't this sex? 6/7 and the legs! Which one you prefer? LOL He thought I brought up his fanny pack and the daybook. Nope, just the food. I figured he would get them instead! We ate on the bed. For desert, he feasted on the third leg! Not right away, of course! I went online! All My Children came on next!

He wanted sex. Dear Lord! Why now? He didn't go to the doctors yesterday for his STD! Hmm, he was PARTYING! He doesn't care about himself at all. Other things are more important than his life; partying, unsafe sex, and bad friends! I promised I wouldn't have sex with him anymore. Why top him after he GAVE ME STD? No thanx, it's not worth it. Once again, he made me to feel guilty, "Fine, stay online with yr friends." I asked him if he is sure. He was debating; sex won the battle! I lied that I can't SAM him; I don't mean our landlord! I have sores in my mouth again. He brought the lie! Boy, I had worn him out big time. I cleaned myself. He fell asleep fast.

I went down to get his stuff from the trunk. He was so out of it from too much partying these past two days. He didn't hear me to come back in. I also brought up his work/regular clothes. I watched As The World Turns. I tried to wake him up couple of times after 1PM. He needs to be at work at 3PM. I was upset, I felt like he wouldn't get up on time for work. I looked for the address online. He finally woke up. No shower, he just shaved and ironed his shirt. He went to work! I did my daily routine!

I waited a good while after he went to work, I took a sip from the LIQUID BOTTLE; God, it was so awfully strong! It was already half empty when we got home. We got the bottle about 10 something; we got home before 11AM. If someone drank an half a bottle less than an hour, he DOES have a serious drinking problem. I looked at the label; Boy, it wasn't a wine cooler after all. The bottle contains 18% ALC/VOL, 750 ML. The Cisco Orange has citrus wine & grape wine with natural & artificial flavors & artificial colors. I took another sip; it was as bad as the first one! I could NOT stand the hard liquid. I did what best for Miguel and me; I dumped the rest out in the kitchen sink! I don't want LIQUID in my house at all. I don't care if he becomes pist off at me. I would lie to save my hide; I drank the rest!

I saw someone wanting some advice in M4M Relationship chat. He thought his life was worse. I begged the differ; my bf is much worse than his! The lover cheats and thinks he is bisexual. I explained my lover do drugs, drink, unsafe sex and hangs with bad friends. We both agreed that we should leave our lovers and starts anew! It isn't doing us any good to stay with our lovers. We had our fill of the drama and want to move on with our lives! He would pray for me, likewise.

It's time for bed. The time is 3AM. Miguel isn't coming home tonight. He got PAID today, $405.71. That means one thing, more PARTYING and wastes his money on drugs, drinking and perhaps, a motel room or the baths! What could I say? More signs are showing up; he would spend his paycheck on booze, drugs and men! For crying out loud, he got HIS PAYCHECK today and he was ALREADY PARTYING his money away! He was a lost cause! He took some regular shoes to work with him. I knew he would be out partying all night; he doesn't want to party in his work shoes. Oh well, he wants to LEARN THE HARD WAY! I won't be around for long! I would jump ship! He can't keep me from TRUE LOVE!

Night, all!

2001, October 8, 2001, Monday

Miguel didn't come home last night. He probably doing drugs, drinking, partying with his bad friends and having sex KNOWING he has STD, gonorrhea!

Tonight, I checked his account once more. I went back to the bank statement ending 9/5/2001. It crossed my mind he doing all that I listed a lot longer than I thought. THE FOUR DAYS he was missing in August 2001, he was DOING MORE than at his friend's house like I really believed his freaking lies!

For crying out loud, he was at Hollywood Spa & a motel. He must be seeing someone else. It was adding up now. I looked through his nightstand again, this time very good. I discovered his May 2001's bank statement. He spent $58.30 at Le Sex Shoppe on 5/29/01. Also, he spent $14.03 at the Highland Books on the same day. A reminder, guys, the bank takes out money days later for the purchases! He was there before 5/29.

I tried his latest statements, he hasn't got them at his sister's yet or he may be hiding them from me. I would keep on checking back.

Later, guys!

2001, October 7, Sunday

2 AM, I went to bed. Couple minutes later, Miguel came home drunk from work. 2:30AM, we went to sleep. Miguel needs to wake up at 4AM for work at 5. He cuddles with me in bed, arms around me. He wanted me to clean myself. I was too tired for sex. I fell asleep.

Sunday morning, 4 AM, we woke up. I couldn't went back to sleep. I played games on the computer. We were still too tired; 90 minutes sleep! He didn't want to get up. I begged him. He finally got dressed. He claimed I was mad. I didn't want him to miss another day of work! He left about 4:45AM. I continued playing games throughout the day, listening to music, chatted online. Mike would be home tomorrow from Hawaii! Tonight was his last night. I was worry about Miguel. He hasn't come home from work yet. Hmm, he must be at the clubs or his new boyfriend's place.

Good night, all. I was way too tired at this time of night, 2:10AM. I only got 90 minutes of sleep last night.

2001, October 4, Thursday

5:30 PM, he slept. I checked his wallet again. I found more receipts. This time, the spotlight. The big money came into play, all four $42. I went in the restroom. I didn't want to get caught. I checked it out more. I came out. He wakes up. The wallet was in my left hand. I saw the fanny pack on the chair. He couldn't see it. I put the wallet in my pocket and sat down on the fanny pack. He didn't suspect a thing, but my face told another story. I went online. I glance at him couple of times. He watched Married With Children. I continued with online. I looked again. He lay on his side toward the fishes. I waited till he fell asleep. I fed the fishes. He was fully asleep. I sat down again. I put the wallet in the fanny pack. I took it out again. I made up my mind; I would get the main receipts and leave him the rest. I put it back in. I walked to his desk by the door. I place the fanny pack on the desk!

At the end of Friends, we talked about Rachael and her pregnancy. I said, "She is a slut." He said, "She isn't the only one. No names, Kazz." I pointed my finger at his face. I said, "Like you. You are the slut." I immediately got out of bed. I raised my voice. He begged not to yell at me. I wouldn't dare to stop. I said, "You went to the bathhouse." He said, "I only did drugs with friends." He begged more to stop yelling. I took out my wallet for the receipts. I accidentally grabbed the wrong one, the Motel. I put back it and got the right way. I suddenly changed my mind. Why show him the receipts? I have something better. The receipts can be my revenge later on.

I took out the pamphlet and showed him it. I said, "How come you are sleeping around? I got this from you." He was in major shock. I said, "You slept around. You gave me this." He said, "Gimme that. Are you sick?" I said, "You have been sleeping around my back. This is what I got from you." He asked, "Are you sick?" I threw the paper at him. He looked at it, disbelieved! Oh well, that is what we get. We both get the disease, thanx to his slutty ways. I went online.

He said, "Babe, come here." I just annoyed him. I finally said, "Why should I? You want to sleep with the other men. You can have them." I mind my own business as we continued watching TV. I said, "You made your bed. Lay in it." After a while, he lowered the volume down. I said, "Please turn it up. Babe, turn it up." He said, "Don't call me babe. I don't want to be yours anymore." I said, "Look at me, Look at me." He wouldn't look at me. He watched the TV show. "I said, "Look at me." He asked "why?" He finally saw me. I said, "You can't blame me. It was your own doing." Couple minutes later, he turned the volume up. He switched it over to Charmed.

I noticed Miguel weighed himself in the kitchen. I walked up later. I begged him to get on once again. He declined. I figured he lost more weight. He wouldn't move or even look at me, "Who cares?". He doesn't want to be call "Baby!" I replied, "That is what you want. This past four months, I tried to avoid the facts," I continued on in the bedroom, "You kept on and on and on...."

I walked out of the restroom to the bed. He looked at me. I just smiled and went through my daybook. The STD is only open tomorrow at 8AM till 10:30AM. I asked, "What time do you work?" He said, "I work at 7 PM." I said, "We need to wake up at 7AM." He asked, "Why?" I shouted, "You know why. You are acting stupid right now." He said, "Don't yell. I can hear you." I said, "You need to take care of the problem." I went online to do my journal. He asked, "The free clinic?" I said, "Yes!" He asked, "where?" I said, "Melrose." He asked, "What about the gay center?" I said, "I think we need to make an appointment. And you said, 'No one cares for you.' Ha!" He watches TV while I search for the web for the gay center.

About 30 minutes later, I came upon the gay center site. By then, I got so sleepy. I woke up at 4:30AM. He needs to work at 6AM at the studio. I didn't went back to sleep. I watch my shows from last night. I finally fell asleep about 8:40 for 30 minutes. I woke up to Regis and Kelly. Anyway, I book marked the STD sites. He said, "Porky." I said, "What?" He said, "Porky." I kinda got upset; I did answer him. I didn't want to lose my place on the web site. I looked back, "What?" He shook his head, no. I continued on. I got the right 411. He wondered which one. I mentioned that the STD clinic open at 11AM till 3 PM. He thought I talked about the Melrose clinic. No, the one at the gay center. Melrose opened at 8AM till 10:30 AM. I told him I waited about 90 minutes. I took the test and they gave me a shot for blood work. I need to come back couple weeks later on October 17. He might as well go to his hospital on Sunset. STD may found out he has insurance.

He came out of the restroom. I asked, "What do you want to do?" He said, "The emergency room at Kaiser. I don't have $20." I said, "I need to use my ATM." He said, "We can go to the bank." I dreaded that! I hate using my ATM. If it was an emergency, I may do it if it is life and death situation. We would see what tomorrow brings.

Night, all!

2001 October 3, Wednesday

Miguel and I got lost to the Medical place. I made a wrong turn. The medical place sent me to the SSI office on Wilshire for a referral. I went back and waited over 30 minutes. The medical would be active at 11 AM. I can't use it before then. We went to his office to pick up his schedule. I asked him, "Want to go to Smart & Final? We forgot to buy paper towels and fabric softener." He turned me down; he was in pain since this morning.

Revenge foiled once again. I hope I could take him to the free clinic with me to put him on this spot. I noticed I have STD for a couple of days. I went there yesterday, the STD clinic wasn't open. If he accused me of sleeping around, I would show him the receipts to Hollywood Spa and the motel. Miguel gave me the STD, more heartache!!

11:30 AM, I finished my shopping early. I stay in the long line to buy me time. I didn't want to go to the clinic early; it wasn't meant to be. I got there early. Five till Noon, I went to the second floor and waited. I was the second person in line. I waited about 90 minutes till they see me. I answered the questions truthfully. They sent me to the restroom for a urine example. I waited another 30/45 minutes. A longtime friend, Robert, showed up with his newspaper. We didn't talk at all till the end. I didn't want to disturb his reading. We caught up on old times, namely the street days. They called me.

I took some medication, 4 purple one and one white one. This was the only time for the medication. He checked me out, and, yes, I have STD, the Gonorrhea. All thanks goes to Miguel, who gave it to me! Robert went in the same questions room. I waited in the hallway for another test, blood work for another STD. He came out; everything is fine. I mentioned I was there since Noon. The nurse came out for me. I excuse myself from Robert. She checked both arms, the right one is the good one. I was all done. I walked out and told Robert, "goodbye!"

I came home. Miguel was in the restroom. He wondered where I was, "shopping." I realized we still had two boxes of fabric softener. He claimed we didn't have any. It brought us to six from four boxes. No biggie thou. I love to stock up, the best way to go. I saw Miguel in bed. He says, "He didn't saw them in the spot." I noticed I was kinda out of it from the medication. I lay down for a while. We watched TV for a while. We were both falling asleep. He asked, "Where was I?" I said, "Smart & Final." He asked again; I gave him the same answer again. He asked once more. I said, "The bank and Smart & Final!" I saw right through him, he felt like I was somewhere else. I was gone for a long time. If I told him the truth, he may deny everything!

5:30 PM, Miguel went to work. I watched my soaps. He came home during Passions, passed 7 PM. They sent him home early; he got there late. The roads were being work on! He wants another job. He claimed he would punish him for arriving late by giving him less workdays. It happened before last year. I may not tell him till tomorrow after work. He needs to wake up at 4:30AM and be there at 6.

My friend IM me about the medical card. Everything went fabulous! Last night online, I found out where to go about the card. I even book marked the sites too for the next time. I dreaded to tell him about the STD! Boy, I was right on the money! I wished I didn't tell him at all. I have to explain again and again and again.

I said, "I went to the free clinic too, bad news thou." He asked, "Why?" I said, "STD." He asked, "What? You have STD?" I said, "I forgot the name of it...." He said, "Sexually transmitted disease.... syphilis or gonorrhea?" I said, "gonorrhea. I know who I got it from!" He asked, " From whom?" I said, "one sure fire guess." He kept on asking, "Who?" He wouldn't guess whom! I asked, "Who do I have sex with?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I have not told him yet. He could blame me for sleeping around He asked, "Well, have u been sleeping around or he has been fooling around? I replied, "I am not like that!" He asked, "How did you get it? By topping him? Then check yourself for HIV too?"

I wanted to end this conversation so badly. I wished I hadn't brought STD up. I need to explain everything to him again and again and again. I said, "I think I tell him now." He said, "I think it is best to confront him. Do you have any medications you are taking?" I said, "I already took it. I wanted him to go with me to the clinic, I would have put him on the spot." He said, "Then do it but still u also have it. Have both of u checked for HIV?" I said, Hold on. It would be a while. I would tell him now." He said, "Okay."

I didn't tell Miguel about my STD. I may wait till tomorrow, the latest I wanted the perfect opportunity to come up!

HOUSE RULES

1) No alcohol, drugs or whatever bad habits there might be.

2) Mature responsible adults

3) Live separated lives as much as possible.

4) We pay for our own way, the food, and the toiletries! No asking for money! It could cause problems.

5) No shady characters

6) No silent treatment. It could cause problems!

7) No stupid games.

8) No sex with each other.

9) If Miguel and/or I moved out sooner, he has to pay me for the remaining rent.


The Roommate Situation

Miguel wants me to pay half the rent, $250 each month.

I just remembered something; I do pay all the bills since the beginning. Therefore, the rent should be about $200.

He still ole me over $2,000 for the TV, queen size bed, TV stand, the nightstand, the dresser and others. We went half on some things. Since he ole me, that could be my rent for 8 months tops! If he moved or kicked me out, he would pay me for the remaining rent! That seems fair to me! I don't have to worry about the rent! I would be 8 months in advance! I only want my clothes and the computer. He could have everything else. I don't want to drag lots of things around with me!

Drinking Problem

I bailed him out TWO FREAKING times.

1) Thursday night, September 13, 2001 - He had a car accident, drunk driving. I BAILED his ass out of a jam by paying a cab and bring the car back home!

2) Saturday, September 22, 2001 - I BAILED his ass out of a jam AGAIN by paying $368 for the BLACK paint job on the ex blue car. He didn't have enough money to pay for it. He have been PARTYING his money away at the clubs.


Cover up!

1) Thursday, September 19/20, 2001 - Miguel had a car accident. The auto shop fixed the car. Miguel DID NOT tells his sister about the car accident. The car is his sister's!

2) Monday, September 24, 2001 - We went to his sister's in Whittier. He did not tell his sister the REAL REASON why the car is now BLACK!


Drinking times

1) Wednesday, September 19, 2001 - Miguel went in the club to get back his house key. I waited in the car over THIRTY minutes in the HOT SUN. A laundry worker said, "You can't park here." I moved the car to the street. I walked in the club. MIGUEL WAS DRINKING!!! I was pist at him. The moment he got the key, he should leave the club. Hell, no! Miguel PICKED alcohol over me! I broke up with him. A day later, we were lovers once again. He didn't take the break up OR ME seriously.

2) The times, he came home DRUNK late at night. And the times, he DRIVE DRUNK!

3) The times, he PARTY after work!

4) The nights, he DID NOT come home. The last time Sept 24, 2001, Monday, He stay out all night. I woke up in the morning; he was still not home. I woke up a few times during the night.

5) The BIG one - He was missing for FOUR DAYS, August 27, 28, 29, 30. He came on Friday night, 31. He claimed was at a friend's house, DOING DRUGS. Since I was online, Miguel could have DRIVE HOME to tell me. It's his Responsiable to get in contact somehow and someway.

6) A few months ago, I was so tired. I wanted to go home from his brother's on Crenshaw. He continued drinking more. About two hours later, I got pist and left him there. He came home soon after.


7) BIG ONE #2 - He got sick at work and ended up in the hospital for a couple of days. Miguel said, "the doctor told me the next time I drink, I would be dead." And THE DOCTOR sent him to an REHAB to set up appointments and go to AA meetings. Miguel DID NOT follow through and went back to drinking a FEW MONTHS LATER!

8) Last month, he came home with a friend after work. Miguel offered I could do with them TO THE CLUBS! I declined!

9) BIG ONE #3 - Thursday night, September 13, 2001 - He had a car accident, drunk driving.

10) Miguel missed work when he was MISSING for four days. He claimed he call to cancel the dates!

11) BIG ONE #4 - He was missing for TWO NIGHTS, September 24 & 25. He came home Wednesday the 26th! He was at an friend's house! Since I was online, Miguel could have DRIVE HOME to tell me. It's his Responsiable to get in contact with me somehow and someway.


Before my time

1) DWI, driving drunk

2) Wrecked his new truck

3) He was stripped of his Driver's license. To this day, he doesn't have one and STILL DRIVES!


Money problems

1) Spends lots of money at the clubs.

"I noticed that he took out $40 EIGHT separated times from ATM machine, plus not counting the times since Sept 22! That told me a lot! He parties really hard somewhere at a club/elsewhere. He spent over $360 between 9/10/01 to 9/21/01."

2) Miguel couldn't AFFORD to pay for the paint job! I SAVED his ass again.

3) 2001 September 25, Tuesday - This really proves he has a DRINKING problem. He took out FOUR $42 and ONE $20. The full total is $188 for one freaking day/night. He has a very serious deadly problem! He must be hanging out with the wrong friends!



In closing, Miguel is an ALCOHOLIC! He is finding ways to drink and blaming me for his drinking. He claims I MAKE him drink! Hello, you did read this. I didn't FORCE him to drink. We don't go clubbing or whatever since the last time he got out of the hospital.

Who is WASTING HIS MONEY at the clubs/elsewhere??? He wants to drink! That is his problem!