2001, October 10, Wednesday

12:10 AM, I heard Miguel drove up in the parking lot. I wished he wouldn't come home any more. There was nothing or anyone here for him. I dreaded the times he comes home! Then again, I can't go anywhere, he has the car and the gate code wasn't working!

Miguel said, "Hi!" I just looked at him and say nothing. He said, "I have no excuse. I'm a fucking slut." That was a under statement I ever heard one! He went to his side of the bed, "I'm a fucking slut." I said, "I don't want to talk about it." I heard it many times before. He said, "I'm sorry. I'm a fucking slut!" Whatever! I know that for some time like he is a DRUGGIE and an ALCOHOLIC!! It's news to me! I read between the lines; I did my homework! I do have online access to his bank account. That is good enough for homework! Then there are the receipts.

He got undressed. He asked, "Can I used the phone?" I signed off the web. He checked his messages! I continued writing tonight's events! He put the phone up and went to the kitchen! I thought about going online again! Then, I won't be bother by the FUCKING SLUT, (in his own words. LOL)

He was on the way to the restroom; he stops by me first to kiss me on the neck. I said, "Baby!" He came out of the restroom. He kissed me on the other side of the neck. I angrily said, "Baby." I want so much to yell at him. Once again, I held back my anger. Yes, it still hurts. What hurt more is I know he would DO IT AGAIN! He said, "I love you. You are my baby no matter what." He sounds like OBSESSION to me! He went back to the kitchen for a snack! Then he took his food to the bed and watches some TV!

He turned off the kitchen light. He walked over me and started to kiss me. I yelled, "Leave me alone!" He kept on kissing me. I said, "Stop it." He kissed me one last time. He went back to his food and The Bundys! All the kisses, all the sex, all the money, all whatever won't bring my love back to him. Our love is dead for once and for all! He killed it long time ago!

He put up the plate. He came over to me once again. Bleh, more kisses! I said, "Baby! Eat!" He said, "Honey, I love you." I asked a very INTERESTING QUESTION, "How could you love me after all the things you destroy our love?" He was silence for a second, "You are going to leave me, are you?" I raised my voice, "Go away and eat!" He said," Are you going to leave me?" I turned around, "Go and eat." I wished he leaved me alone. He went back to bed. I kept on typing. He said, "Baby?" I dreaded to turn around. I looked at him. He said, "I love you." I said, "I don't want to talk!" He said, "Are you going to leave me?" I refused to answer him. I repeated myself, "I don't want to talk!" I faced the computer once more. He sadly said, "You could leave me. I'm sorry. I'm a fucking slut!" I'm sorry is getting so damn old!!! I am sick of it!

I would leave him, but where to go, whom I stay with and what money kept me with the slut! I have no one to depend on, not even my family! Besides, I don't want to count on anyone! I can't afford to pay them back! God would pay them back in spades! Also, I don't want it to be a bad habit; my friends may get sick of my freaking problems and me!

My dad died in 1973, Mom raised three kids till Robin come in the picture. She didn't know she was pregnant at that time. I always thought God replaced dad with his fourth kid by mom! All the years mom raised us, she never ever ask for handouts! She did it on her own! It gave her the strength she needs to raise us. She became a lot stronger for it! God looked out for us.

Now, you know where I'm coming from about help from friends. Since mom did it on her own, I can do it too! I did it before and I would do it again. Only God would help me. I have all the faith in the world to trust him with my life. I couldn't go wrong for counting on our father, GOD! The bad times would make me STRONGER through Jesus Christ! I may not have muscles or was smart enough in school; I know what to do to make it in this world we live! I got this far in life, haven't I? No man, no money, no fancy clothes, no mansions would not stop me from going far in life. I don't need those things at all. Yes, it is nice to have them. My faith in God is all I need!

Miguel fell asleep with his glasses on during Home Improvement! I wanted to take of his glasses, but I may wake him up. For sure, I really don't want that. I would like to snoop first! I already know how much he has left in his bank account. Throughout the day, I checked his account. He went from $235.34 to $165.20 to $143 to $65.20 to $43.20, not counting the money he spent yesterday at the club. I didn't write down the right amount, they were close to what I remember. Next time, I should have!

As of 10/10/01, it started at $235.34 to $43.20 by 1:35AM, 10/11/01. Since yesterday after work, he wasted his paycheck on DRUGS, BOOZE and UNSAFE SEX! He really needs help. He has major problems he needs to deal with now. If not, he would never get help. He may end up like my dead friend couple years back; he killed himself! It may come to that. I won't put it pass by Miguel! He was already killing himself! May God help him!

I checked his pants. I got his wallet and went through it at my desk! I saw Nicks phone and "I cant wait" on a napkin! Nick really gave me the creeps, I have never met him and Im not talking about Miguels slutty ways either. Nick was the name of my friend who killed himself a few years back! How creepy is that? It could be a sign from God; Miguel is on the same road to DESTRUCTION! Like I didnt know that! LOL I thought about hiding his wallet from him. Hmm, I know where too. I have lots of places I know of, but this place is the best one! He wouldnt suspect that spot! Or I could destroy his ATM card. I would lie unless I have to! Im that type of a person to protect anyone! He is HARMING HIMSELF. Someone needs to put a stop to it! Hmm, come to think of it, why should I put a stop to it? I dont give a damn about the low life scum! The sooner he kills himself, the better I would be off. Good riddance, Miguel!